Transsexual and Transparent

i shall be telling this with a sigh...

2010-10-19T17:23:00.003-04:00

to my faithful readers...
i am sorry to say that i can no longer continue my blog here for privacy reasons, along with the fact that i no longer have any free time. thanks everyone for reading! keep on keepin' on!

peace,
luke

15 days post-op

2010-05-18T21:22:00.003-04:00

i had my post-operative appointment with my surgeon this morning and it went smoothly, as expected. besides the mild-endometriosis she found, she said everything else looks healthy and gave me the okay to begin working out again. i also asked her what everything is in the pictures she took during surgery for me (refer to picture from previous post). in the top left picture: my uterus is in the top left-hand corner and my fallopian tube is running down the far right-hand side of the picture. it's all pretty much the same contents in the other pictures, they are just taken from different angles.

overall, i am feeling well and really looking forward to working out again. i've had a little bit of pain over the past week and fortunately have been off the pain pills.

11 days post-op and some irritation from my band-aids

12 days post-op and what my incisions look like

peace.

ovary and out!

2010-05-09T20:25:00.003-04:00

...back again after a long break!

i had my surgery this past monday and everything went smoothly.
removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes = bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy

my surgeon found mild endometriosis, which is what i figured the culprit of my pain was. i don't really remember what else she said to me as the recovery on monday was quite rough. i think it was a mix of not eating much the day before, the drugs from anesthesia, the morphine in recovery and the percocet i took before leaving the hospital...quite the mix there! i was out of it and nauseous for the rest of the day. i was in the most pain the day of surgery, (not very much compared to top surgery) though couldn't hold anything in my stomach in order to take a pain pill.

i had two amazing nurses over the course of the week who took very good care of me. i've just been taking it easy, trying to get as much sleep as possible and trying to get used to eating again. my pain has been minimal and i am only taking half a percocet in the morning and evening. the only part that is bothersome and uncomfortable is my belly button, where one small vertical incision is (maybe only half an inch long). it's quite an awkward place for an incision because your belly moves every time you do! anyway, i'm feeling pretty good now and unfortunately have to go back to work tomorrow. i was told i could begin exercising a week after surgery, though i am hesitant because of my belly button incision and am probably going to wait another week or until my post-operative appointment on the 18th.

and check out this sweet gift from my surgeon! i really have no idea what anything is!

peace.

poem i wrote

2010-04-17T07:12:00.001-04:00

tug-of-war

the pain i feel in my gut

is only present to remind me

of a history i cannot

change, escape or ignore

it is that one sign

that's left over

screaming in my face

and whispering in my ears

biology, biology, biology

it begs me not to forget

but to embrace

the unimaginable path

i've been led down

and the path i've chosen

i as well beg my body

to submit to the

changes of the current

to meet in middle ground

and reveal an accurate rhythm

between past, present and future

as if the three are armored warriors

battling for righteousness

battling to be visible, to be audible

battling for the sheer sake of battling -

the adrenaline, the destruction and the glory

this is a constant battle

and it is the same battle

fought perpetually

within my mind

within these veins

and within this spirit

a battle which calls into question

the union of history and what is to come

of two unmatched lives

and two unmatched people

somehow fusing

to create one entire and whole being

breathing and being now

trans conference!

2010-04-06T21:51:00.003-04:00

there's a conference coming up for anyone in the new england area
transgender lives: the intersection of health and law conference
saturday, april 17
university of connecticut health center, farmington, ct

i'll be facilitating a workshop about public and private identities!
hope to see you there!

peace

update!

2010-04-04T10:03:00.002-04:00

i spilled almond milk on my keyboard and now the m, k, i and 8 aren't working. i'm typing this at work so it doesn't take two years to write a blog entry and thus the reason behind my absence! i'm attempting to remedy this situation myself...we'll see how it goes.

anyway, i've begun the 100 push-up challenge! it's a training program to eventually get you to be able to do 100 consecutive push ups! it's tough, though it has been going well. i could do enough push ups when i began the challenge that i started out on week 3. so my training program is a month instead of 6 weeks and now i only have two weeks left. what's nice about it is that you only work out three days a week (an every-other-day kinda thing) and each workout is only about 10 minutes. check it out here: http://hundredpushups.com/

and now for the super exciting news...i'm getting my ovaries out - a laparoscopy it is! i was finally able to get in touch with my doctor, who took a week to do some research of her own. it sounds like she spoke to dr. marci bowers, a surgeon who specializes in ftm and mtf trans surgeries, although she only alluded to a "doctor out in colorado who specializes in trans surgeries...".

i forgot to mention in my original post that her only hesitation initially in taking my ovaries out was the risk for osteoporosis. after doing some research she found that there is a risk for ovarian cancer from long-term exposure to testosterone. she also discovered that pain in other reproductive parts can also be caused by long-term exposure to testosterone. so, she asked me what my thoughts were regarding my choices (depo-lupron or laparoscopy) and i told her i really didn't want to even try to the depo-lupron after reading women's personal accounts of using the drug. she did mention that we could use it very short term as a diagnostic tool - if my pain went away then we'd know it was my ovaries causing the pain, if it didn't relieve my pain, we'd know that it may be the long term exposure of the testosterone causing the pain. i rejected this idea as well. she supported and supports my decision to have surgery, which is scheduled for monday, may 3.

so that's where life is at. i'll try my best to update more!

peace.

Depo-Lupron versus Laparoscopy

2010-03-17T09:28:00.002-04:00

last week i went to see an obgyn for my pain. her whole office was super friendly and didn't even flinch at the sight of a guy having an appointment with an obgyn. the doctor herself was very friendly and listened to everything i had to say about my pain and my history. she told me that she thinks i have endometriosis and talked briefly about other ftm patients she's seen for the same thing. she basically told me that i have two options to get rid of my pain - this drug called depo-lupron or a laparoscopy to remove my ovaries.

depo-lupron is a hormonal agent that significantly reduces estrogen levels and is normally used in women with endometriosis. i have done some research on the drug to weigh its pros and cons.

pros
-my pain would most likely be reduced
-potential for body & facial hair to grow in faster
-take the drug for a brief period (about 6 months)

cons
-nausea/vomiting
-fluid retention
-weight gain
-joint pain
-loss of libido
-depression/anger
-dizziness
-nervousness

laparoscopic surgery is surgery performed with a laparoscope (a very small tube with a light and a camera lens) to examine organs, check for abnormalities or perform minimally invasive surgeries. i have done some research on this as well to see how it compares to the depo-lupron.

pros
-my pain would most likely be reduced
-if i ever went off hormones i wouldn't have to worry about bleeding
-potential for body & facial hair to grow in faster

cons
-injuries to blood vessels or my bowels during the surgery
-some people have sustained electrical burns unseen by surgeons who are working with electrodes that leak into surrounding tissue
-bodily pain related to the gas introduced into the abdominal cavity during surgery
-risks associated with general anesthesia
-infection
-blood clots
-nerve injury

i read many, many accounts of women who have been on depo-lupron and i am honestly scared by what this drug has done to these women. some of the women mentioned that their pain did go away, though all of them mentioned how horrific the side effects were and how this drug basically made them crazy for a period of time. reading these accounts makes me very hesitant to go on this drug, especially since i prefer not to put drugs into my body. my doctor is supposed to call me this week and we're going to discuss these options together and decide the best route for me. i'll keep my blog updated as things progress.

peace.

you're having ovarian pain, lucas?

2010-02-08T20:51:00.002-05:00

a receptionist asked me this question the other day over the phone and it just sounded hysterical to me. who knows what she thought - though she was very kind and professional. i was a bit surprised i didn't get a "huh, i don't understand how you, a male, could be having ovarian pain...?"

to back it up a bit, i've been having terrible pain in my ovaries, uterus, etcetera, etcetera, since this summer and it has been getting increasingly worse. i stopped menstruating after about 4 or 5 months on testosterone if i remember correctly, though even when i did menstruate it was completely terrible (and not solely based on the fact that it was just happening). i would be in agony, laid out on the couch for several days, barfing, couldn't eat, the whole nine yards. now, it's pretty much the same minus the bleeding and more pain throughout the month.

i spoke to my gp about it a while back and we talked about the pain. she told me if i was still having pain in a month to come back. a month later, still in pain, so i scheduled an ultrasound. i'm fairly positive i was supposed to have an internal and external ultrasound, though i think someone along the way was like "wtf, this dude is supposed to have an internal ultrasound...?!" and canceled it. so i had the external ultrasound done - i was a bit nervous because i thought i was having the internal and that's just no fun at all. here's the exchange the technician doing the ultrasound and myself had:

tech: so you're having pain in your abdomen?
me: yup
tech: well, this should be straight forward since you're a guy
me: (long pause)....actually i'm transgender
tech: oh okay (looks over at me, long pause), hmmmm
me: yea

i definitely caught the technician off guard! he was surprised, though continued to act in a professional manner. the ultrasound came out normal, which is good though i cannot ignore the fact that i'm still in pain. i didn't bother to make a follow up with my gp because she would just tell me to go see an obgyn or some specialist - there's not much she can tell me to begin with. so i took it the task upon myself and made an appointment with a trans-friendly obgyn. i have no idea how this will be charged to my insurance company or what chaos will ensue as a result of me, marked with a big fat M for male with my insurance policy, going to an obgyn. i'm just going to deal with it as it comes because i'm not going to sit around and do nothing about this pain.

essentially it would be nice to have a hysterectomy, oophorectomy and whatever other -ectomies they can do down there. obviously something in said region is causing my pain, i don't need the parts (i have no intention whatsoever of attempting to birth my own children) and really who wants to worry about potentially bleeding if for some completely horrid reason i have to go off of or do not have access to t? i don't...did i mention i'm in pain...

peace.

my partner in crime

2010-01-25T16:03:00.002-05:00

one piece of transitioning that gave me a lot anxiety was dating. i began my social and medical transition single and remained so for about the next year and a half. i am glad i remained single during that time because it allowed me to focus my energy on myself during a time of great change. when i thought about dating and even when i felt ready to date again i was nervous about how my trans identity would influence dating. how and when would i come out to the person? how would they react? would it even matter to them? would i be dumped on account of my trans identity? dating then felt like quite an overwhelming task.

i met my partner, who i've been dating for the past (almost) 5 months, back in august. she actually accidentally (in a way) found out about my trans identity - someone slipped up in a conversation and someone later clarified. she knew of my trans identity even before we began dating and it's never really mattered to her - she sees me for me. i feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who is just so open and non-judgmental. with that said, things have been great and it's been invigorating to be in a close and meaningful relationship again.

we actually had an interesting discussion the other night and she said something that i hadn't expected her to say - she said that she doesn't see me as a trans person. she met me as a male and sees me that way. and moreover she sees me for the person i am on the inside. i can understand her perspective - i know that when i meet medically transitioned trans people it's difficult to picture them as the opposite sex because all you're presented with is that person's present self.

she has actually told her family that i'm trans and none of them seem to have any problems with it - thanks nor. cal. hippies! i really appreciate that i can be open with her and out to her family. i think it would be difficult for me if i were dating someone who had issues with me being trans (not that i think i would or could date someone like that...) or someone who had issues with me being open about my trans status.

so that's that for now.
peace.

the codes of gender

2010-01-19T07:29:00.002-05:00

i found this documentary on mediaed.org and thought i would share it - you can watch the entire video in "preview" mode. it talks mostly about masculinity and femininity and how these are perceived by the public through advertising and the media - basically how stereotypical gender roles are perpetuated through advertising and the media. the doc certainly wasn't something new - but definitely something worth hearing again (and again and again). check it out.
the codes of gender

peace!

ketchup

2009-12-06T10:35:00.002-05:00

this post actually has nothing to do with ketchup, more so with the task of catching my readers up. it's been a while since i've last written - my apologies, my life has seemed more chaotic in the past month than it has been in a while. i was sick with a bad flu for about two weeks and still feel like i haven't fully gained my strength back. right after my flu symptoms subsided, my grandmother passed away quite suddenly. i wasn't very close to her for most of my life, though after coming out to her this summer, i was able to reconnect with her. we corresponded via snail mail for about four months before her passing. while i feel saddened by her passing, i feel joy in the fact that i listened to myself, came out to her and thus was able to reconnect with her. for me it has been amazing to have my two grandmothers react so incredibly well to my coming out - they have reacted better than anyone in my family, even my immediate family. while the understanding of my situation may not be there, i know that both of my grandmothers still love/loved me for me.

i was quite anxious about attending my grandmother's funeral because i had not seen my father's side of the family since coming out to then. on top of this i only heard from one cousin when i did come out to then last november, so i was unsure of how my family would act towards me. upon arriving at the funeral home my brother and i met one of my dad's cousins in the parking lot. she remembered my brother right away, but of course not me. so i introduced myself and her response was: "i'm sorry i don't understand the connection...". she walked away very confused. when we entered the funeral home she came up to us and stated again that she was confused and didn't understand the connection, whereupon my aunt came up and said: "this is lucas [last name], nathan's brother and larry's son, he was formally [female name]...". this woman, my dad's cousin, actually reacted very well - like this was a fact, like that was that and there was nothing more to it, nothing to dispute, nothing to think badly of. i was really surprised my aunt had advocated for me - i really had no idea what to say to my dad's cousin, i've never encountered such a direct situation before! afterwards, my aunt starting crying and apologized she never responded to my coming out letter - she said she didn't know what to say. she continued that my grandmother had actually yelled at her for not saying anything to me! and then she welcomed me to the family. i was shocked that she had actually said something to me and that my grandmother had yelled at her! what an amazing grandmother! i suppose death puts many things in perspective.

an amusing side-story to this whole story was that my brother and i stayed together at my other grandmother's apartment during the funeral. i suppose no one ever bothered to show my brother how to tie a tie (really dad?!). so i, the younger brother, the brother who just learned how to tie a tie two years ago, was the one who tied my brother's tie the entire time! i asked my dad about this (as my brother is almost 30!) and he chalked it up to bad motor skills - highly doubtful! i attempted to teach him how to do it himself, but time constraints required me to actually tie it for him.

another side-story was that my brother and i were asked to be pallbearers (one who carries the casket - directly to the cemetery or to and from the hearse). i wasn't surprised because when my grandfather had passed away several years ago, he had asked all of his grandchildren to be pallbearers - so i had assumed that this was the case this time. this was clearly not the case this time - it was in fact only men (my brother, my male cousins and my uncles). i'm unsure if the pallbearer is a traditionally male role. i was actually very surprised - i certainly hit the ground running with my family. this is true validation for my transition from my family.

so, that's that for now.

peace.

small victories and updates

2009-11-16T19:54:00.007-05:00

today, in the mail, i received my undergraduate diploma....with the correct name on it (granted i graduated over two years ago)! i'm looking at it now, having a hard time believing it was that easy to have my request fulfilled. i had a lot of trouble with the registrar's office in the past with my name change. at first they wouldn't change it and gave me some phony excuse and then when i persisted they said a "glitch" had changed my name in their system...go figure. so when i had sent out my paperwork to request a duplicate diploma, i was a bit nervous about receiving a diploma with my old name on it. i guess they decided to cooperate this time!

this past friday (november 13) i hit my 1.5 year mark for being on testosterone and i feel great! i haven't been working out as much as i would like to, though it takes little for my muscles to begin to bulk up. friends of mine continue to comment on how skinny i look, though i don't think they realize that my body fat has redistributed giving the illusion that i have lost a lot of weight. i may have lost a few pounds, but nothing significant. my body hair is out of control and continues to take over. my facial hair, however, is taking its sweet time - it is continuing to grow, though just much slower than the rest of my hair.

it has also been about a year (november 4, 2008) since my initial top surgery and about three months since my revision (august 4, 2009). my chest is feeling great and i am slowly beginning to get back into serious workout mode. i am also beginning to get more and more feeling back - though this sensation is quite awkward and sometimes is slightly painful. it is hard to believe that it has been a year and a half and a year since beginning t and having my top surgery. often times it feels like much more time has passed. each day is a new day with lessons, journeys, adventures and i am thankful for every step and every opportunity.

pre-t versus 1.5 years

12 days post-op (initial) versus 1 year post-op (3 months post-op revision)

images of a man

2009-11-11T19:44:00.003-05:00

i've been thinking lately about images, ideas, stereotypes of men. the first insight i've noticed is that the image i have of myself in my head is very different from my actual image - the image the public sees. i definitely think looking ambiguous for so long has had a large impact on this image because while i know i look male, i look a lot less male in my head. i can still see pieces of my female self in my face when i look in the mirror - i don't necessarily anticipate never being able to see that person again when i look in the mirror, though i worry that others will see that female side. why all of the worry?! i keep telling myself to have patience, to give myself time to grow and change. it does get frustrating though when i know and feel like a mature man in his mid-twenties, but my body is still playing catch-up.

second insight i've come upon is how this frustration impacts my physical expectations of my own body. when i get frustrated with my body i often day dream about maturing into a tall, muscular, bearded man. while i know that i have some control over my body - being muscular and in shape - there are other things such as my height and my facial hair that i have no control over. it's really just a matter of accepting the things i cannot control. while i am a man, i am not a "typical" man...maybe more like man born from extraordinary circumstances. i am constantly reminding myself that this is the body i was born into and that there is only so much i can change physically - the other changes have to occur upstairs, in my mind.

along with all of this, i do not regret the fact that i was born into a female body (i'll explore the phrase "born into the wrong body" later...). while this body has brought upon many struggles and difficulties, it has also allowed me to experience life in a way that many other people do not get to experience. i have lived in many worlds and spectrums and have been fortunate enough to live and grow from all of these perspectives. i am a collection of perspectives, life experiences, journeys, identities, ideas, perceptions and am intelligent enough to realize how learning from the past, taking from the past, dealing with life as it has been dealt to me, understanding and having an awareness of what i can and cannot control is the only way in my personal journey i can come to a sense of peace.

peace.

why blog?

2009-10-27T07:45:00.002-04:00

i recently received a comment from a new reader (thanks!), which helped me remember why i blog. i remember back before i had a blog, i felt incredibly alone and lost. transitioning felt pretty much impossible and mystifying. and then i stumbled upon someone's blog and life and transitioning felt a little lighter and actually possible - here was someone actually taking the steps i wanted to take. i saw that transitioning was possible and life as a trans person was possible. and then things began to fall into place for me and i began my own blog.

why not blog? we are each living incredibly unique journeys - blogging can be a way to celebrate the diversity of each individual's journey. personally, i feel it is important to relate my experiences as a trans person for several reasons:
(1) to inspire within others an awareness and understanding of trans-related experiences
(2) to demystify trans experiences
(3) to "clear up" any stereotypes of trans folks
(4) to let other trans folks know there are more of us out there
(5) to support the trans community
(6) to educate both trans and cis-gender folks
(7) to share resources
(8) to affirm my journey as a positive learning experience(s)
....the list goes on!

so to my readers (a task if you dare!):
-has reading others' blogs been helpful? why or why not?
-what, if anything, have you gotten out of reading a blog?
-why do YOU blog?

peace!

work experiences

2009-10-03T20:03:00.002-04:00

...several things to comment on here in regards to my new position...
some of the materials i received at orientation were trans-friendly including: a youth survey where one could choose trans as a sex instead of male or female, the americorps handbook and some other americorps paper work where gender expression and identity were areas where one could not be discriminated against. i was very happy to see all of this.

i've noticed that a large, large, large percentage of the women who work for the agency i work for are gay/bi/queer. i feel at ease working with a more queer population. i figured that if anyone i work with were to accept me as a transman it would be these people...so i decided to come out to a co-worker. i really thought she and my other co-workers knew that i am trans, but lo and behold, they do not! i think my personal mental image of myself is definitely different from the public's view of me - i still see pieces of my old self. so the co-worker i came out to was really awesome and totally surprised. i'm really glad i decided to come out to her - she was open with me from the very beginning about being gay (that's not to say that i am obligated to come out to her as trans...)...though i don't feel like it's something i need or should hide. i am PROUD to be who i am and all that that encompasses. i grew up being told and seeing by example that being different, in any way, shape or form, was wrong. fuck that - diversity is beautiful, embrace yourself and all that you are.

"life is either a daring adventure or nothing. to keep our faces toward chance and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." -helen keller

peace.

product reviews

2009-09-29T08:00:00.002-04:00

since having top surgery, i've used three products that i really like and seem to work very well, so i thought i'd spread the wealth...

-palmers skin therapy oil (with cocoa butter and vitamin e): i found this at target, but had a hard time finding it at any grocery store or drug store. it can be found and purchased online for about $10. i used this all over my chest as both a product to combat my scars and as a massage oil on other areas of my chest. i used this only after my initial surgery for about 4 months - i applied it about 5 times a week and massaged my chest for about 1 hour each time. i used this product in conjunction with scarzone cream, so i cannot necessarily attest to its effectiveness on scars, however as a massage oil it was stellar.

-scarzone cream (with green tea): i also found this product at target, but it can be found at most grocery and drug stores. it can also be found and purchased online for less than $10. i've used this (in conjunction with the palmers skin therapy oil) after both my initial and revision surgeries. i mainly apply this product once a day solely to my scars when i get out of the shower. compared to maderma scar cream, scarzone works way better. it has sunscreen (spf 15) in it which is important for scars healing properly, especially if you're going to be out in the sun. my scars are pretty minimal, so this product definitely gets my approval.

-scargo scar massage skin lotion: i found this at the natural foods store, but i haven't seen it any place else. it can also be found and purchased online for about $10. i've recently purchased this after my revision surgery and have been using it for the past month. i use this about 4-5 times a week and apply it to my scars and massage my chest/scars for about an hour each time. one particular aspect i like about this product is that it has all natural ingredients. i've been using this on my scars and as a massage oil and so far i have nothing to complain about. while my revision surgery wasn't as significant as my initial surgery, i have been healing very nicely.

has anyone else used these products? what are you thoughts on these if you used them? does anyone have any other products to recommend?

peace.

anxiety and frustration

2009-09-19T10:48:00.002-04:00

this week was my first week of orientation and training for my service with americorps. all in all the week went well and i'm feeling good about my placement. i was however fairly anxious most of the week with meeting tons of new people. while i know that i am perceived as male now (i cannot remember the last time i was mistaken for a female), i am perceived as a very young looking male, probably a young teenager. being seen as a young teenager has been extremely frustrating the past few months and i'm sure will continue to be. in one of my placement interviews for americorps one of the interviewers told me that i looked like a 12 year-old. while the interviewer did try to say it in a light, joking manner, i didn't really appreciate this. i KNOW that i look like a 12 year-old and honestly it really stinks. it is especially a downer when i'm in groups of people who are around my actual age, like this past week, and people just won't take me seriously, listen to me or even acknowledge me. it's difficult to constantly be fighting against others' perceptions of you and to have to again and again establish yourself as an equal, or just someone that deserves respect.

i feel that if my facial hair were farther along, i might not necessarily have this problem. i know there are older men who probably have about as much facial hair as i do, but the other men i'm working with this year have beards and visible stubble. i'm trying my best to be patient and know that in time i too will have facial hair, even possibly a beard. right now i just have to take life as comes and know that eventually my time will come.

peace.

neighbors

2009-09-08T20:10:00.002-04:00

i visited my folks over the long weekend. they had both been asking me for a while to come home to see them since i hadn't really spent time with them since march. i was hesitant at first since my relationship with both of them has dwindled, but thought that a visit might be exactly what was needed. overall the visit was fine and it was good to see them. my grandma was visiting as well and spending time with her is always a plus. grandma got my name right 100% of the time, which is better than my parents and pronouns about 50% of the time, which is just as good as my parents - major props to grams.

i was outside one day while home, getting something from my trunk when two neighbors came walking down the street. i recognized them straight away - they have children around the same ages as my siblings and myself and we all attended school together. i wasn't sure if they recognized me, but the woman said hi to me and when i turned around she said: "oh i thought you were nate [my brother]". my heart was pounding out of my chest! my head was full of questions - what if they recognize me? what if they call me by my old name? do i respond to my old name? do i come out to them? and on and on...i had no idea what to say, so i smiled and simply said "no" and they continued on their walk. i have no idea who they think i am and am curious to know what they were thinking. i was thinking about it later and thought that an amusing response would have been: "i'm nate's long lost twin brother!" i wonder what type of response that would have sparked...?!

does anyone have any similar stories of seeing people you haven't seen since transitioning?

peace.

conferences

2009-09-06T19:46:00.002-04:00

for those of you living in the north east (usa) here are two conferences coming up this fall:

translating identities conference
saturday, october 24
university of vermont, burlington, vermont

transcending boundaries conference
friday, november 20 - sunday, november 22
dcu center, worcester, massachusetts

peace.

the evolution of little lefty - the nipple that could (warning - post contains gross images!)

2009-09-03T20:39:00.012-04:00

initial surgery date: november 4, 2008
revision surgery date: august 4, 2009

9 days post-operative from initial surgery

2 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

3 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

5 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

8 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

12 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

5 months post-operative from initial surgery

8 months post-operative from initial surgery

1 week post-operative revision

2 weeks post-operative revision

1 month post-operative revision

pre-transition anger

2009-09-02T19:58:00.002-04:00

a good buddy of mine and i were talking the other day about how angry we both were before beginning our transitions. i thought it might be an interesting subject to post about.

i was a very angry and unhappy person during my high school and college years. i was dissatisfied with my life, how i felt and the circumstances i had been presented with. i felt trapped and unable to help myself and thus my anger. i held onto my anger as if it was my key to freedom - i refused to see how damaging it was. when i would get angry, it would burn in my chest, and i could stay angry for hours. it would ruin my days - often times once i was angry, i had a very difficult time calming down. i would punch walls, hurting myself and sometimes i was even verbally abusive towards those around me.

looking back now at my anger, it is hard to believe how angry i used to be. fortunately, as i was able to come to terms with my trans identity, my anger slowly subsided. and now, i very rarely become angry. i am a generally happy, calm, and easy-going person and feel so fortunate to have been afforded the opportunities i've been afforded the past two years in order to begin my transition and embrace my true gender identity.

anyone else have any experiences around anger they'd like to share?

peace.

changes

2009-08-26T10:19:00.003-04:00

i'm glad i've been able to blog more this month - i've been enjoying writing more frequently. yesterday was the three week mark from my revision surgery on my chest. my chest is looking really good so far. i'm feeling alright - it's sore and achy every so often because i'm probably pushing myself too hard. the photo to my left is what my chest looks like as of yesterday. i only have one small scab over my left nipple.

i went to the dmv yesterday to get a new picture on my driver's license because the picture i had on it looked nothing like me. when i went to change my license over to a vermont state license last year the woman who was helping me automatically changed my sex on it to "m" with no questions asked (the sex on my previous license was marked "f"). i was surprised this had happened, as i was anticipating having to have an "f" on my license. so back to yesterday and getting my new picture - i handed in my old license, got a new picture, waited two minutes and received my new license, very pleased with my new picture (the woman helping me never said anything about my sex). when i took it out to look at it later in the day, i noticed that my sex had been changed back to "f"! i'm wondering if i was listed in their data base as "f"? this is the only thing i can think of at the moment because i am read as male all of the time now. i guess i'll just have to make another trip back there and let them know they made a mistake.

and some interesting stories in the news regarding sex and gender i thought i would pass on:
sex verification
related article

peace.

ex-transgender

2009-08-22T20:54:00.003-04:00

check out this article on pfox (parents and friends of ex-gays and gays)

this "article" simply baffles me. i most often view other peoples' life choices as choices that they have made to suit their interests/needs...and that because they are the person who should know themselves the best in turn the choice they have made is what is best for them at that moment in time or for that circumstance. though, after reading this article it seems like this person did not fully consider what his choices would mean for his future (sure the article is short, but this person never really stated that they felt like a trans person...). overall i think there was a lot missing from this story and that it was pretty badly written. to me, it seems to serve no other purpose than to send the message that if your life is really fucked up, some higher power can save you.

for me making the choice to transition, in any and every aspect, was something that i thought about long and hard. i educated myself on trans issues and considered how each part of my life would change because of one choice i would make. while it was very difficult to constantly question myself and my identity, i am happy i took the time to reflect on possible future changes. i hope that those in a position now where they are contemplating transition will also take time to reflect on how our choices will and can effect the rest of our lives.

of course i am in no way saying that people who chose to "de-transition" are unintelligent or make bad choices - i'm sure there are a variety of reasons why people decide to "de-transition", those of which i could only speculate about - family, love-life, religion, well-being...(the process of "de-transitioning" is actually something i'd like to look further into...anyone have any neutral resources?).

anyone want to comment?
-what advice would you give to someone who was beginning to think of themselves as trans and contemplating transitioning (social/medical/legal...)?

just thought i'd share some perspectives. peace.

role models

2009-08-19T14:03:00.003-04:00

i was at an interview for my americorps position early this week and the director of the program mentioned to me that i'd be the only male working there, if i were to accept the position, and there are several male adolescents that i'd be working with. it occurred to me that i would be in a position to be these young men's male role model - if i were someone they looked up to. i never thought i would be in this position so early on, relatively speaking, in my transition. who knows how this will all end up - the guys may very well end up hating my guts. i guess being a male role model has never been in the forefront of my mind. though, when i think of being a male role model, i think to myself "can't i just be a non-gender-specific role model?" i have thought of myself of this in a few, very specific circumstances, but i think part of myself is too modest to think that someone would look up to me.

so all of this made me think back to my childhood and adolescence and who i looked up to and to the people i considered my role models. from a very early age i remember looking up to my father and have since then. we've most of the time gotten along well, we share many of the same interests and overall he is an incredibly understanding, accepting and compassionate human being. i remember also looking up to two uncles of mine during my teenage years - they were and are active, healthy, fun to hang out with and easy going men. it wasn't until high school that i had female role models. one was my english teacher who was simply an amazing teacher and made teaching applicable and fun - i looked up to her as both a righteous human being and as the educator i hoped to one day be. the other was ani difranco - i was completely enamored with the politics of her music and the power of her voice. these people today are still my role models, some have taken the backseat to the others and the new role models i've brought into my life, which seem to mostly be bold and honest activists and advocates, where gender seems to be irrelevant.

i'm curious to hear about your thoughts and experiences with role models - please comment and share!

peace.

background checks

2009-08-12T15:29:00.002-04:00

i have been fortunate enough to have been offered a job through americorps recently and have decided to take it. i was filling out some of the paperwork yesterday and some of it deals with backgrounds checks. the paper explicitly stated that you had to list any other names you went by within the last seven years, which means i had to put my birth name on my paperwork. i was not and am not happy about this. while i understand the importance of knowing someone's legal history (especially if they are working with youth), i felt a bit violated that i had to out myself to my director and possibly other co-workers when they had only taken me in as male before (as i am perceived as male all of the time). when i handed in my paperwork my director briefly looked through it - i waited for some type of physical response (possibly wrinkled forehead muscles) and saw her momentarily look at my old name, but she didn't flinch. it's my hope that i will be treated with the same respect i was treated with before and that she will keep my private medical information private.

i guess the most frustrating part is that i am forced, in this situation, to be connected to an old identity i don't identify with any longer. putting the trans issues aside, i think most people would find this piece frustrating - marking someone with something that was part of his/her old self, which is no longer applicable.

i am curious to know if anyone else has any experiences with background checks - please comment and share your story.

peace.

1 Week Post-Op Revision

2009-08-11T11:51:00.004-04:00

today it has been one week since surgery and i'm feeling pretty good. i'm thankfully not in any pain, mostly discomfort when i sleep because i have to sleep on my back, but other than that i don't have any complaints.

here's what my chest looks like today - notice that there's not much bruising or swelling. there is medical tape around my areolas, protecting the stitches and the yellowness in the center of my chest is from a green sharpie marker still coming off.

compare to 9 days post-op from the initial surgery (9 months ago)- lots of bruising and swelling and not to mention my gross areola and nipple. during my revision dr. fischer took a small part of my good nipple and sewed it into the one that had healing issues (i still had a tiny indent left over after nine months of healing on the left side).

peace.

finally.

2009-08-06T15:16:00.002-04:00

saw one of the "that's so gay" commercials on tv yesterday. finally! these are long past overdue. check out the website here.

i went to a family wedding on saturday. my mother was worried about me going and i think in some ways didn't want to go - she said i'd make people uncomfortable. we fought a lot about this and along with the fact that i'd see my grandma. i did finally come out to my grandmas and my one great aunt and they were all awesome. so the wedding was totally cool and everyone seemed happy to see me, used the correct name and pronouns. i spent most of my time there with grandma actually, talking, drinking beer and dancing - what an awesome grandma. i had a minor incident with a cousin who felt the need to criticize me and my decisions. it was an odd moment, but a mere road bump in a good weekend.

and this past tuesday was my revision with dr. fischer. i had my consultation on monday and they were impressed with how well i healed and how good my chest looked. she reassured me that the surgery was going to be quick and that she was going to do minor touch-ups (i had both of my areolas re-sized and a bit of extra tissue taken out). surgery was tuesday morning and everything went really smoothly. i was in surgery for about an hour and back in the hotel by noon. the anesthesia i had this time was different and didn't make me feel as sick or groggy as what i had last time. i've been taking it easy - napping, eating, reading, watching tv - but overall i feel good, much better than how i felt a few days after my initial surgery. i am looking forward to hopefully a quicker recovery than last time and being able to work out again and tone my muscles.

peace.

penis dream

2009-07-29T10:57:00.002-04:00

last night i had my first dream of actually having a penis - or at least a dream that i can remember. it's not that i don't have a penis in my dreams, more that i just don't dream of my genitalia. it was a pretty basic dream, nothing too special happened. i was mostly just peeing (standing up of course) throughout the dream. i think i was just so excited about having a penis that i just wanted to keep using it (i like how i used it to pee instead of having sex - the horny pubescent boy that i am...).

anyone have any genitalia dreams they want to share?!

peace.

transgender identities & spirituality

2009-07-18T13:56:00.003-04:00

lately i've been thinking a lot about my transition (medical, mental, emotional, physical...) and how it relates to my spirituality. i don't think that spirituality, at least in my mind, can be ignored when we think about, discuss and reflect upon our transitions (however each of us define our own personal transition).

so many of the steps i've taken in the past two years and have been taking have only helped revitalize, re-energize and essentially awaken my spirit and my internal energy. i feel, in many ways, as if i am just now waking up. i feel more in-tune with myself as an being that is comprised of both a body and a spirit and more in-tune with my own energy, other people's energy and how these energies effect each other. i cannot deny these facts.

i haven't conducted a very thorough search yet, but i have found these resources:
kindred spirits website
transgender spirituality website

if you have any related resources please share by leaving a comment
and for any trans-identified folks who would like to comment on this subject, i'd like to hear what you have to say in regards to your transition and trans identity and your spirituality

peace.

this and that.

2009-07-14T14:47:00.003-04:00

eight-month post-op top surgery looks like this:

i work out about four or five times a week. i have trouble with my lower back/hips and have been trying to run, but it's been a struggle. i mostly weight lift and do strengthening exercises, alternating days between my upper body and abs. i've been feeling good though and feel as if i am getting the results i had hoped for.

i have decided to get a revision on my chest and already have it scheduled for the beginning of august. i know my chest looks good as it is right now, but i would feel less conscious of my chest with the revision. my surgeon, dr. beverly fischer, will be resizing my oddly-shaped areolas and taking out some extra tissue left from the initial surgery. i am looking forward to getting my chest as close to "perfect" as it can be.

i went to my doctor's office yesterday to get an ekg in preparation for surgery (it is required by my doctor as part of the pre-surgery screening process). the woman who administered the ekg was the same woman who did the ekg i had for my initial surgery. she asked me why i was getting an ekg and i explained my background to her and then she said she remembered me from the last time. she said she had barely recognized me, that i was looking good and that my chest looked great. so that was pretty awesome - thanks ekg woman, you totally made my morning (if only i could remember your name!)!

i also went to the social security office to change the gender associated with my social security number. i must say that it was the least painful name/sex changing process i have undergone with a government office. i had to fill out the SS-5 form, show my driver's license and my letter from surgery and i was all set. i wasn't hassled or questioned and was in and out of the office in ten minutes. the only document i have left to change anything on is my birth certificate, which i have to change my sex on. this will have to be further down the road because new york state requires a hysterectomy in order to change the sex from female to male on a birth certificate and hysterectomies are way too expensive.

i think that's it.
peace dudes.

what happened to transster?

2009-07-14T14:35:00.002-04:00

those of you familiar with transster (for those unfamiliar, it was an internet archive of surgeons performing specific types of trans surgeries and pictures of these surgeries....as you can imagine this was a very useful resource for many) may have realized that the website has been down for the past two months or so. i am unsure if there was any word as to what has happened with the site and information collected there.

i recently found a similar site that a transman and his partner have decided to start up in light of transster being down. i believe the site was just put up, so there are some kinks to work out. the site is called transbucket. check it out and post your pictures. props to the creators!

peace.

and again.

2009-06-23T09:55:00.002-04:00

thank you to my dear friend who shared this poem with me. i am constantly reminded of it and reflect on its words often...i've posted it once quite a while ago, but thought i would post it again.

once a young woman asked me,
"how does it feel to be a man?"
and i replied,
"my dear, i am not so sure."
then she said,
"well, aren't you a man?"
and this time i replied,
"i view gender as a beautiful
animal that people often take for
a walk on a leash and might
enter in some odd contest
to try to win strange prizes."
my dear, a better question
for Hafiz would have been,
"how does it feel to be a heart?"
for all i know is love and
i find my heart infinite and everywhere
-Hafiz, Sufi mystic, 1320 - 1389

to my readers, if you so boldly choose to comment:
-has anyone ever asked you a similar question (how does it feel to be a man/woman?)? and how did you reply?
-what are your thoughts on Hafiz's response? do you agree or disagree with him - why?

thanks for reading and commenting. peace.

trans visibility

2009-06-21T08:39:00.003-04:00

thank you to the woman - i'm sorry your name escapes me at the moment - who works at the co-op for saying something to me about my blog!

i've been thinking a lot about my own visibility as a trans person lately. i really have a very faint idea of how out i am in my town, although feel that i am probably more out than i am aware of because i am in town and in the public eye more often.

this all seems to be a double-edged sword to me. i think being visible as a trans person is important in order to spread understanding and acceptance and rid of misconceptions and biases - discussions, conversations, workshops, questions must be had. however at the same time, what if you live in a place where you cannot be out, where you cannot be open about your trans identity (personal safety and privacy issues)? would you want to live in a place where you could not be out? would you feel safe in this place? i do worry about my safety and worry that something may happen to me for the mere fact that i am trans, though this fear does not keep me from being an activist and advocate.

of course i am going on the assumption that if one could be out that they would. however there are people who choose to not be out as trans people, who do not want their trans identity known, who just want to be seen as who they are and not necessarily as trans. being stealth vs. being out is a hot topic in the trans community and is a decision that each individual makes based on a variety of factors (health, safety, privacy, etc....). i think it is important to respect each person's decision on whether or not he/she decides to be stealth because each individual knows what is best for his/her own personal health and safety. in the same breath, if we as trans people remain hidden how can we spread knowledge and understanding? i think one can still be an activist and advocate even if they are not out - but what message is this spreading to the public? and how is information about trans issues received if it is not necessarily from a trans person?

so to my readers...
-what are your thoughts on trans visibility?
-how can trans people find a balance between their wants and needs of both their private and public lives?
-what message does being stealth send to the public/non-trans people?
-how is information about trans issues received if it is not necessarily from a trans person?

peace.

our voices will not be silenced

2009-06-18T00:12:00.003-04:00

i'm trying my best to update more often...

recently in the news - sonny and cher's child is transitioning from female to male (http://edition.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/06/11/ent.chastity.bono/index.html). i wish him the best of luck with his transition. i hope the media's attention to his transition will allow the public to gain a better understanding of trans people. although the media may also portray this in a negative light - at the very least i hope he's able to remain as private as he desires with his life and transition. here's a commentary on the story by jamison green (trans educator and author) (http://edition.cnn.com/2009/US/06/12/chastity.bono/index.html).

glbtqi (gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer, intersexed...i'm sure i'm missing letters here) discrimination seems to be increasing - seems odd to say that something like discrimination is quantifiable, but according to recent statistics killings of glbtqi people have increased 28% since 1999. check out the article here. these statistics completely disgust me. it makes me sick to see that people will kill because they do not understand. there is more visibility for the glbtqi community these days, though as the article suggests, with more visibility comes backlash. visibility. backlash. visibility. backlash. ignorance = fear = hate = violence.

my familial "support" has been taking up a lot of my energy lately. while i am seeing growth in my siblings' acceptance and understanding, my parents' growth has seem to have come or gradually come to stop. the past year and a half has been very difficult with them - i've tried my best to remain open with them about my transition, however i am most always the one initiating discussions regarding my transition or trans issues, getting them reading material and dvds, etc...they seems to be everything but proactive. though i cannot say i have terrible parents because at the very least i still have parents and they are decent human beings - in the same breath it is incredibly difficult and painful to have people you love and trust and hold close to you who simply do not support you through a significant change.

i feel completely invisible to them.

they are refusing to see me for who i want to be seen as. while they do have 22 years of history with my old self, they are refusing to accept the universal truth that things change (granted this is quite the change...)...things still change, life is about change(s) - what would it be without it? with all of this i have experienced their disrespect, transphobia, fears, anger, discomfort...they want me to keep quiet, keep me in the closet (i'm already out...how can i go back in...??), keep the perfect, middle-class, white suburbia, white picket fence image of a family, keep the perfect image of their child, and keep the perfect image of what is male and what is female. this is bullshit. complete bullshit. i am all too tired of this fight. i will no longer be silenced or hidden. this is me being honest with myself for the first time in 22 years - the authenticity is not stopping. not now. not ever.

'first they came for the jews and i did not speak out -
because i was not a jew.

then they came for the communists and i did not speak out -
because i was not a communist.

then they came for the trade unionists and i did not speak out -
because i was not a trade unionist.

then they came for me -
and there was no one left to speak out for me. '
-pastor niemoeller (victim of the nazis)

peace.

Trans-Etiquette

2009-06-03T22:51:00.002-04:00

I was in some awkward social situations this weekend and thought I'd post a little something about trans-etiquette...

Pronouns: Using the preferred pronoun for a trans person is a must – it shows acceptance and respect. It is generally okay to ask a trans person, respectfully, what pronouns he/she uses if it’s not obvious. People are normally very appreciative of this gesture. The standard rule is to use the pronoun of the gender the person is presenting (how they appear to be dressing).

Pronoun Slips: Everyone slips up. Though, these mistakes can be handled easily. If the wrong name or pronoun slips out when speaking one-on-one with a trans person, the best response is usually: “I’m sorry. I’m meant (pronoun/name).” Then move on. When in the company of others, especially those who don’t know that the person is trans, it is best to let the mistake go and use the correct pronoun/name then next time it arises. Most people won’t notice a slip up in a large group, though drawing attention to the mistake can make things worse. Continuous apologies are uncomfortable for everyone and make the trans person the center of attention.

Drawing Attention: Perchance you are doing business or interacting with a stranger who appears to be trans and you’d like to express your support for their trans identity. The most supportive thing you can do is nothing at all. Like stated previously drawing attention to a certain situation can make things uncomfortable. If the person is obviously trans, he/she is usually aware that it’s obvious to others and will appreciate the signs of respect and acceptance that go with a normal interaction.

Forbidden Question #1: NEVER ask a trans person this question: “Have you had the operation?” The question is synonymous with “Are you done?” Both of these assume an incompleteness, a partial human being. There is no such thing as the operation; trans people all evolve differently, some going through operations and others never desiring any. This question many times is also a reference to genital surgery. If this is something one wants to know, the question needs to be asked directly. The person asking also needs to consider whether he or she would ask a non-trans person about genitalia in the same situation.

Forbidden Question #2: NEVER ask a trans person this question: “Why did you do it?” This question assumes that there are a multitude of reasons (why they transitioned) that have nothing to do with gender incongruity, or that the trans person thought that living as the opposite sex would be fun or interesting. Trans people transition because they need to resolve gender issues that have no other resolution. The majority of trans people transition because they will otherwise die or live such a miserable life that it would be like death. Trans people transition to live.

peace.

traditional gender stereotypes

2009-05-11T07:53:00.002-04:00

now that i am perceived male just about 100% of the time i'd say that i have to deal with traditional gender stereotypes more and more now. i am expected to act a certain way because i am male, i am expected to say certain things because i am male, i am expected to look a certain way because i am male...the list is endless! and while i thoroughly enjoy being perceived as male finally, i do not enjoy being once again shoved into another box.

why can't men just be who we are? if we like to talk about our feelings, or dress nicely, or don't prove our amazing strength we're called wussies, gays, or metrosexuals. why can't a guy who CAN talk about his feelings simply be A GUY? what is our society telling us? why are so many men perceived this way? why do so many men have to hide their sensitive and emotional sides and act "rough and tough"? think about what a lifetime of hiding your feelings would do to you...

personally i say fuck the traditional gender stereotypes. i say be who you are and be proud of it. sure, you'll get shit for it - but i'd rather get shit for being myself than being a fake my whole life. stand up to those people who give you shit and challenge their ideas of gender stereotypes. i've been challenging the people i work with all year and while i can't say that i've definitely gotten through to them, i can say i've made them stop in their path once or twice and think.

and really WHO is to say that you need to possess certain characteristics, or certain actions or roles? WHO? WHO are you allowing to dictate your words, your actions...? think real hard about this one. i hope in time more people will be able to realize that who we are is a matter of our person, our character, and not our sex or gender. so take a step outside the box for a minute, take a long look around, and take some time to think about yourself, your actions, the roles you prescribe to, what you say before you attribute them to something like your sex.

peace.

MIA

2009-05-06T07:46:00.002-04:00

hey dudes -
my apologies for not updating in almost a month - life has gotten so busy lately.
i found out officially that my thesis was approved and that i will be graduating the end of may! so now that that is good and done, i've been on a wild hunt for a job - nothing to speak of yet.

i went to a trans health and law conference in CT in late april and really enjoyed it. it was small, but the workshops i went to were intriguing and informative. most importantly i learned about the anti-discrimination laws in VT for trans people - we have rights! if you're interested check it out here: http://www.glad.org/rights/vermont/c/anti-discrimination-law-in-vermont/

a good friend and myself also held a "trans 101" workshop up at my old school for current students. there were about 25 people there, which is an awesome turn out for this small school - and people were actively engaged and interested in what information we had to share with them. i was and am really happy i was afforded the opportunity to do this workshop.

my website is still down and i am working on getting it back up - hopefully soon. yesterday 6 months post-op for top surgery - i am working out about 4 - 5 days a week and feeling good about my changing body. my year anniversary on testosterone is also fast approaching (may 13) and i am looking forward to reflecting on such a significant year.

i'll do my best to update more frequently.

peace.

11 months

2009-04-14T08:24:00.002-04:00

yesterday (4/13) was my 11 month anniversary of starting testosterone.
i think the only changes i've noticed this past month are a bit more facial hair.
i've disabled my website for the time being (no worries, it will be up soon hopefully), but i'll be sure to post pictures and an update there also.

i also wanted to post this article about MTFs in iran:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7259057.stm
definitely worth taking a look at.
also a documentary is mentioned at the end of the article - here is the website for that:
http://www.belikeothers.com/

peace

news and news

2009-03-31T20:39:00.002-04:00

excellent news - i've finally finished my thesis...well i finished it about a week ago and pending its approval i will soon have my masters of arts in teaching! after a week of relaxing i am only now beginning to catch up on everything else.

i want to thank everyone who reads my blog and comments - i appreciate your support, participation and insight.

this isn't trans related, but i just saw the movie "the beautiful truth" (2008). if you are interested in food, your health and the environment, i'd suggest you check it out. i found it on netflix and here's the website: www.thebeautifultruthmovie.com

the comments on the phrase "man enough" were great - thanks for your thoughts. stereotypical gender roles are obviously intertwined into language - this quote and many others as evidence. while i'm sure some people use this phrase seriously, i've been fortunate enough to have only heard it used jokingly.

when i was thinking of this phrase and its connotations, the word "metrosexual" came up. wikipedia defines metrosexual as: "...generally applied to heterosexual men with a strong concern for their appearance, and/or whose lifestyles display attributes stereotypically attributed to gay men." i have heard this term used seriously, in fact by my own parents! i think this word is quite silly because when used seriously, it implies that heterosexual men (the manly men, the man enough men....sarcastic tone...) aren't supposed to be concerned with looking good or taking care of themselves, which is ridiculous (who doesn't want to smell good or have clean teeth?). this word has certainly emphasized quite an absurd gender role. i think it also emphasizes society's difficulty to accept people who do not fit stereotypical gender roles or who do not fit into the gender binary (either masculine or feminine). with that said, i'm not a fan of the word.

peace dudes.

hello? anyone there?

2009-03-20T08:11:00.002-04:00

i've been thinking a lot about the phrase "man enough"

-what do you think of when you hear this?
-are there any connotations surrounding this phrase for you?
-are there any personal experiences linked to this phrase?
-does this phrase feel positive or negative, both or neither, to you?
-do you think this phrase is linked to specific cultural ideas and norms?
-where and in what manner have you heard this phrase used?

i'm interested in hearing what YOU have to say -
leave a comment and let's discuss the ideas surrounding this phrase.
participation is appreciated!

peace.

miscellaneous

2009-03-13T20:39:00.002-04:00

today is my ten month mark for being on testosterone. not too many changes to make note of from last month - a bit more body hair, i think my voice got a bit lower and my facial hair has suddenly decided to join the race. i'll be updating my website soon.

and this morning before i got in the shower i noticed a black spot below my right nipple. i thought it was dirt or a blackhead, but upon further inspection i discovered that it was a piece of the dissolvable stitches i had from surgery! the piece was about a quarter inch long and just came right out when i pulled on it. weird.

i've had two very odd dreams lately. in the first dream i was with a woman (a dream girlfriend i think) in wallgreens and saw an old guy friend from high school. he called to me using my birth name a few times and i finally heard him and turned around. i had a full beard, but he kept using my birth name - though there was some unsaid understanding that he knew i am trans. and the second dream - i was at work and my boss called down to my department. i picked up the phone and he called me by my birth name - i froze and didn't know what to do, but eventually said "i don't know what you're talking about". he said he knew and had found my website. right after that another one of my bosses called me and said the same thing. weird.

another transman blogger made an entry a while back about beginning to question his sexuality since he started testosterone. i've noticed a similar pattern in some transguys and wanted to comment honestly on this. i dated several guys in high school, though that was definitely awkward as hell for me and after identifying as a lesbian for several years, i never really paid attention to guys. i had a few guy friends growing up here and there, but i think for the most part i intimidated or scared guys. so i was really never around a lot of guys and never really had any reason to pay attention to them. since beginning my transition, i can definitely say that i notice men more now than i ever have in my entire life. at first this scared me because i was unsure if i was attracted to them or just people watching. while i feel my sexuality is more fluid now and would consider dating a man - although i have no sexual attraction to men - i feel that this noticing is just me trying to find my place in male culture. unfortunately right now i do not have a cisgender (definition: someone who feels that their gender identity matches their birth sex - basically the opposite of transgender) male role model who lives close enough to me that i could consult face-to-face daily about male culture. while i do not feel that i necessarily have to fit a certain or specific male mold, i do feel like i am finding my way in the world in a new body and am being perceived by the public in a very different light.

physically i feel very young - i am going through a second puberty at the age of 24 and feel like i am getting to know my body all over again. i feel awkward and clumsy. i look at men and wonder what type of man i will be - i notice the way they dress, how they style their hair and their facial hair, how they walk, how they greet people, how they hold themselves, how they act with others, what type of vibe project...i notice a lot. while i know that i am always a work in progress and that i will always be growing and changing, i am waiting for my body to catch up with the rest of myself. i know that some of these changes will take a while to actually occur, though through these physical changes i will begin to feel "at home" in my own body and feel connected to my own body, being and spirit. how can one possibly grow as a human being when they refuse to accept a part of their own being? when they refuse to notice their own body? when a part of their being had made them feel so incredibly low that it affects the rest of their being? it's impossible. while beginning hormones has proven to be difficult in some ways, i feel that i am finally at home in my own skin and am finding some peace with this body.

peace.

four months post-operative top surgery

2009-03-03T22:11:00.003-05:00

it's been four months since top surgery already - i can't believe it's been that long. everything is going well with my chest. i'm back to my normal physical activities - snowboarding, running and lifting and feeling good. i'm beginning to see a little bit of muscle definition and i'm getting a little bit of my sensation back (although overall i have little sensation). i'm thinking about getting a revision late in the summer, although am not completely sure about that yet and am waiting to see how my chest continues to heal.

i wanted to write a little bit about the recovery process. i never had major surgery before (i had ear tubes put in and taken out when i was very young and my wisdom teeth removed, but i don't think those are necessary major surgeries). i read up a lot about different transguys recoveries from top surgery before having my surgery to get an idea of what the process would be like for myself. i wasn't exactly sure what to anticipate with recovery. the recovery process is an extremely personal process - with all the reading i did and could have done, i don't think i could have ever fully prepared myself for recovery. i knew i was going to be tired, healing for a while and restricted physically, but it is difficult to anticipate what exactly one's process is going to be like.

for me, recovery wasn't the easiest. the first month i was tired a lot, i got several colds during that time and overall felt pretty beat up. i had difficulties with my left nipple healing properly and that was somewhat nerve racking - i was unsure if my nipple was going to fall off and if it didn't fall off what it would look like. only now, four months later, is my nipple almost fully healed. the recovery process is definitely a whole human experience - something that affects you obviously physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...i definitely had a rough go of it the first few months, but am finally feeling good. i think being able to work out is helping me feel good physically and mentally to see my body begin to take its true form.

i don't think i realized how much anxiety i had built up inside about my chest until i had surgery. i feel so much lighter and freer now. it was frustrating to have to bind everyday - to wear something that was so constraining, uncomfortable and painful. i think what was especially frustrating was that it was something i had to do - i couldn't just put on a t-shirt and go. of course now it's a completely different story and i feel so appreciative i was able to have surgery.

peace dudes.

a growing boy

2009-02-19T14:25:00.003-05:00

just wanted to do an update...

i sent out my application for a new passport january 24 and received my brand-spanking new passport last week! i am really impressed on how quick the process was, i was expecting to wait at least a few months for one. so all of my information is changed - name and sex - and they even sent me back my original documents. so i'm pretty happy that this process was quick and painless.

i hit my nine-month mark on testosterone last week (the 13th)! time has been flying. since i changed my dosage, i've been feeling a lot better - sleeping more, A LOT less irritable, angry and frustrated and overall feeling more me. the main changes i've noticed lately are changes in my MUSCLES. holy muscles batman. i've been working out some lately (running, lifting, exercises on my exercise ball and chip-ups/pull-ups), but i am so impressed. i don't think i ever anticipated being this muscular. after being on testosterone i feel like i have a lot more energy and stamina than i did pre-t and that gaining muscle is a lot easier.

and my chest is looking good. my pecs are beginning to be defined a bit after working out. i am thinking about a revision to re-size the larger nipple and get rid of some extra tissue near my arm pits and under my one nipple. i still have very little sensation in my chest, but my left nipple (the one with the healing problems) actually has more sensation in it than the right one.

other updates...i'm more than halfway done with my thesis. it feels so good to be getting this done and getting this load off my back. i already invited my parents to graduation to ensure that i would finish.

i've been compiling a list of the "names" guys use for other guys (nouns to replace your name/nouns the strictly refer to a guy): man, buck, guy, bro, brother, dude, sir, mister, boy, young man. i find it most amusing when people use guy ("thanks for the help guy"), enjoy it when people use brother and sir in reference towards me and personally use and like dude the most. i've been called all of these names and just found the multitude and peoples' personal choices interesting. does anybody have any to add? any favorites?

i'll be updating my website soon with 9 month pictures, text and a voice clip.

peace.

trans health and law conference

2009-02-11T21:20:00.003-05:00

just received work of the transgender lives: the intersection of health and law conference today.
the conference is being held on saturday, april 18th, 2009 at the uconn health center from 0800 until 1700. the conference is geared towards service providers, medial and legal professionals, trans and gender non-conforming individuals, allies and all those interested in the health and law issues facing the trans and gender non-conforming communities.
check out the website: www.transgenderlives.org

i plan on going, hope to see you there.
peace.

penis transplant

2009-02-11T08:09:00.003-05:00

i found this article about the first penis transplant through an online forum. i hadn't realized this was 1 - possible and 2 - doctors had already tried it. regardless the article is interesting - check it out here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14905485/

peace.

diminishing storm clouds this afternoon. forecast for tomorrow: sunny.

2009-02-02T19:44:00.003-05:00

the past two months have been pretty rough for me emotionally, mentally, physically...i had changed my testosterone dosage from 75 mg/week to 100 mg/week in the beginning of december when i had my six-month appointment with my endocrinologist. i was feeling really good at the time and decided to see how i would feel increasing the dosage. but i've been feeling everything but good these past two months - very easily irritated, frustrated and angry, all of which have made me very tired and sad. while i cannot attribute the way i've been feeling solely to the testosterone, i feel that it had quite a large effect on me. last week i called dr. turco's office, my endocrinologist, and spoke with a nurse about how i'd been feeling and my desire to decrease my dosage. the nurse called me back the next day and okay-ed the decrease in dosage. so last friday i injected 80 mg and while i feel like i should be holding my tongue, i already feel as if the dark storm clouds have left. i feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

lately i've been thinking about a lot of the experiences i've been afforded in terms of my transition and consider myself a very fortunate person. with this said, i wanted to write a list of all of the things i feel thankful for (trans-related):
-my support network (friends, family, online communities, my therapist, support groups)
-being able to start testosterone
-the incredibly friendly, understanding and knowledgeable staff and doctors in endocrinology at darmouth-hitchcock
-being able to have top-surgery and having an awesome experience with dr. fischer and her staff
-being brave enough to come out
-being able to be me without barely getting harassed at all, despite the fact that many people do experience varying forms of abuse because of their trans identity. and knowing that despite the difficulties i have experienced and will experience in the future, that i have made the right decision to transition, that i don't doubt my decision at all and that i am a much much much happier and healthier human being now and can finally be and feel more like myself.

peace.

things that i do not like very much at all, especially and most definitely when i am sleep deprived

2009-01-25T22:35:00.005-05:00

i was watching a video on youtube on a trans guy's personal channel and he was talking about health insurance and possibly getting a hysterectomy covered by insurance. i think that's great if it works out in his favor. seems like trans people are always jumping through hoops, especially with the legal and medical systems.

i didn't really do much research on my health insurance (blue cross blue shield) when i first got it, but this guy inspired me a bit so i checked out the bcbs website. this is what i found:
"In addition to the specific exclusions listed elsewhere in your Contract, the following General Exclusions apply:...#58: Treatment leading to, or in connection with, transsexual Surgery."

i'm not a bit surprised because health insurances are only beginning to cover trans related health costs, but it did make me angry - how can it not? this is a case of blatant discrimination. i didn't even bother to read the other however many exclusions, but i'm sure those have made others angry as well. plain and simple, trans people are people, people with specific health/medical needs. this might be a terrible analogy...but just like diabetic people need insulin, most trans people need hormones.

number two on the list is changing my birth certificate (name and sex). it seems that i need the following documents: an application (they mailed me the wrong one), court order for name change with seal, certified proof of publication, letter from SRS surgeon specifying date, place and procedure (this needs to be a hysterectomy in new york state), actual operative report from SRS surgeon, letter from therapist documenting "true" transsexualism (as opposed to "false" transsexualism...?), and a letter from an endocrinologist or other medical physician concerning "hormonal" information. rawr is all i have to say. it's actually EASIER to change your passport than your birth certificate...well at least for me as someone who was born in new york state. i sent out my documents to change my name and sex on my passport yesterday.

lastly, i really do not like the word "lifestyle", especially in reference to GLBTQI (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender/transsexual (do i need two 't's' for that?), queer/questioning (?), intersexed)...am i missing any?) people. i think in some ways it has somehow become associated GLBTQI people (how, i have no idea) and for some reason, at least in my experience has come up A LOT when discussing GLBTQI people - though maybe this is not a common experience.

to begin i feel like it has a negative connotation because the way it has come up in discussions for me has always been something like "oh i don't understand your lifestyle" (in reference to being trans), or "how's your lifestyle treating you?". it seems to me that questions/comments like and similar to these regard being GLBTQI as a choice (keep in mind that being GLBTQI is NOT a choice), like what these people are really trying to say is something like "wow, why would you ever want to live in such a manner" or "why are you taking such a difficult path?". furthermore, these questions/comments also seem to insinuate that being GLBTQI is what consumes our entire life, every breath and every moment. clearly our GLBTQI-ness sticks out like a sore thumb and these people have a hard time seeing that we are anything other than GLBTQI. fuck.

but really very lastly is the complete and utter lack of single and/or available (yes they are different) women here. this is seriously going to make me stir crazy. if you have my number please feel free to give it to any woman, ages 22 to 42, you may see from this moment on. thank you.

this wasn't supposed to be a negative post, so i will make a quick note of things i like very much, especially and most definitely when i'm sleep deprived:
-my spectacular day-dreaming abilities
-day-dreaming of beautiful and perhaps naked women
-beautiful women
-warm, full cup of tea or coffee
-a comfortable bed
-a beautiful and perhaps woman enjoying a warm full cup of coffee or tea with me in a comfortable bed

fin.

interactive post - your chance to SAY SOMETHING!

2009-01-11T23:24:00.002-05:00

this has come up a lot lately and i really wanted to hear what others had to say...

for those of you that have known me before and after i began hormones:
has our relationship changed in any way since i've begun hormones - what has changed and how?
have you noticed a change in the way you experience me/the way we interact since i've begun hormones - what has changed and how?

for those of you that i don't personally know:
do you feel like your relationships with those that are close to you have changed since you've started hormones - what has changed and how?

for those of you that are not on hormones:
if you are considering hormones, do you anticipate your relationships to change - what do you anticipate?
if you don't take hormones, have your relationships changed at all since you socially transitioned - what has changed and how?

please respond if you have time.
peace.

randomness

2009-01-04T19:07:00.003-05:00

just a bunch of random things i'd like to make a note of...

-my sense of smell is going out the door, this past month i've noticed a huge decrease (i believe this is because of testosterone...has anyone else noticed this?)
-i'm growing my side burns out - they're barely noticeable
-i finally found hairs on my chin
-my chest is healing very nicely - the hole on my left side is finally beginning to heal
-my old insurance company has at last paid for my endocrinologist visits from may and august
-i heard my birth name the other day and it was really difficult to hear, even though i wasn't being called by it
-i listen too much and don't speak enough
-i wish my town had a bigger trans community
-a cabin in the woods sounds perfect right about now

fin.

movie review

2009-01-01T20:47:00.003-05:00

first and foremost: happy new year!

i recently watched the documentary "red without blue" and really enjoyed it and wanted to share. it's a documentary (released in 2007?) about identical twins. it was filmed over the course of a three year period when the twins were young adults. the documentary focuses on the twins close relationship and the family dynamics surrounding their close relationship and how it evolved over the years. the twins grew up in a conservative community, eventually came out as gay, dealt with drug abuse, divorce, separation from each other and one twin comes out as transgender (mtf). the twins and parents do a lot of reflecting on their relationships, how the relationships have changed through their own self discoveries and what dealing with those changes has been like.

i thought this was a very honest documentary and really appreciated the perspective, although i found most of it to be quite sad. i also really appreciated being able to see how, especially the mother's, each person's perspective changed through the filming period. lastly, what i enjoyed was being able to hear the family's perspective on their changing dynamic - i suppose i particularly enjoyed that aspect because i've been dealing with changing family dynamics lately. i actually bought this movie for my parents hoping it would give them good perspective also, but they haven't received it yet.

check out the website: www.redwithoutblue.com

peace.

home.

2008-12-29T16:06:00.002-05:00

so i ended up going home for a few days to be with my family. i was super anxious about going home because i'm not out to my grandma and i thought i'd be throwing myself to the wolves. i was so anxious that i thought about not going home. but i did and my time home and with my family went a lot better than i thought it was going to go.

for the first time i felt like i could really be home and be comfortable there. i think a lot of it has to do with my parents finally coming around. although my mom and i have being fighting a bit lately, i feel like her and my father are finally beginning to see me how i want to be seen and how i see myself. one night they both gave me really big hugs and both said something about how they were happy i came and how they loved me. i'm really glad i decided to go - i think it was a pivotal trip home - something that i needed to do and something my family needed to experience. my body has changed a lot in the last four months since i'd seen then last and i'm growing more comfortable in my own body and i think it helped for them to see all of that.

i also had a good talk with my brother one night about surgery and transition. we don't talk a whole lot, so i'm glad we got time together. i saw some good friends also, which was great. one friend mentioned that she told her mom about me and her mom said she really wanted to see me and reconnect. i guess that's really what i feel my experience at home was - reconnecting. now that i'm finally coming into my own, finally living in a body i feel somewhat comfortable with, i'm beginning to be more comfortable with myself, i feel like i'm reconnecting with friends and family in this new body. not that i didn't connect before...but there was a lot going on, a lot of discomfort, self-hatred, confusion, fogginess. everything now just feels so much more clear, so much lighter.

peace

old man.

2008-12-17T00:27:00.002-05:00

just a bit of randomness.
saw neil young in concert saturday night - simply amazing. at 63 this dude is still rockin' hard. my favorite song of the night - cortez the killer.

my birthday is thursday - according to the 365 days per year calendar (damnit what's the name of it?) i'll be 24. however, i really don't feel 24 - whatever feeling 24 is supposed to feel like. maturity wise i feel like i'm in my late 30's.
hormonally i feel like i'm 12.
intellectually i feel ageless.
emotionally i feel everywhere between 12 and 50.
what a strange thing age is.

here is my rant on work. work sucks.

i started to work on my thesis again (had to put work aside because of surgery). my deadline is april 1 and i am determined to finish. upon finishing and getting it approved/passed i will have my masters of arts in teaching (MAT), specifically in teaching english to speakers of other languages (TESOL). this is my ticket out of retail. i'm hoping for a teaching job for next fall - where? who knows...wherever a job takes me i guess - i'm up for an adventure.

peace.

this and that

2008-12-09T09:48:00.002-05:00

before i forget...an interesting article about MTFs in Mexico: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/07/weekinreview/07lacey.html?_r=1

i thought i would do a little update since i haven't in a while....
today is my 5 week anniversary since my top surgery. my right side is all healed and looks great - i've been using maderma and palmer's therapy oil on my chest two to three times a day to help with the scarring and scar tissue. my left side is looking better, though it appears that somehow half of my nipple graft has died - there's a mass of black tissue hanging that looks like it will fall off any day now. i'm waiting to see how it will heal and it will take some time. while i'm not happy with how the left side has healed, i know there's nothing i can do about it right now other than let my body heal. i know eventually, possibly after a revision, my chest will look the way i want it to...just some time and patience. i will post pictures of my chest today on my website.

oh yea and i'm coming up on 7 months being on testosterone this saturday. i think the biggest change this past month has been HAIR. my facial hair is growing in faster and i now have to shave my face twice a week. my happy trail is definitely visible now and the rest of my body hair continues to grow also. i'll do a more detailed update on my site soon, but really the biggest change has been the hair.

so i sent my coming out letters to most of my extended family (not my grandmas) last week and my parents decided together that a phone call would be less of a surprise than a letter (...i'm still trying to figure this one out). so i'm out! from what my parents said about their conversations, everyone sounded for the most part supportive - of course i have yet to speak to any of those people about this. i did receive an e-mail from one of my aunts, which was supportive and caring. i know it'll take everyone time to be comfortable and to understand this and i'm willing to give them all the time they need. i'm just happy to have this off of my shoulders.

i'm going home in a few weeks to spend time with my family for the holidays. i really want to go home to just relax and spend time with the people i love, especially since i haven't seen them in four plus months. but the more i think about going home, the more i think i don't really want to go home. my grandma is going to be there and i'm not out to her and i'm just concerned that my time home will be awkward and uncomfortable for me (and i guess in some ways i expect this). i don't things will be uncomfortable with my gram, she's awesome, we always just have fun together - but since she doesn't know everyone will have to use my old name and female pronouns and THAT will definitely be awkward. and i know it'll feel like i'm hiding something from my gram, because i am....i guess i just hate censoring myself, especially when it is something as essential as one's identity. it's stifling and i know in some ways will put me on edge. i'm just hoping that i can find some type of middle ground when i'm home where i can feel somewhat comfortable.

peace.

national public radio

2008-12-04T21:28:00.000-05:00

yet another reason why i love npr:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=97591676
check it out.

changing my birth certificate and passport

2008-12-01T20:11:00.003-05:00

just a quick note...
i started the research on how to change my name and gender on my birth certificate and passport. i was able to find a lot of information about changing my b.c., but also sent an e-mail to the vital records department asking for specific information. luckily new york allows you to change your gender on your b.c., so i'm happy i was born in a state that lets you do this. i was reading that the process for changing your name and gender is a bit more lengthy in new york than in other states and if the information i found is correct it looks like i'll need some more paperwork.

and as far as my passport. i found stuff concerning a name change, just couldn't find anything about gender, at least on the government webpage....so i sent out an e-mail asking for specific information. but i'm fairly sure i just need to send out my name change paperwork and the letter from dr. fischer. i'm just worried i need to send a b.c. also and i definitely don't have that.

i'm happy to get this process underway because it looks like i'll be traveling - where has yet to be decided - next summer and might need my passport.

tomorrow is four weeks since my top surgery. i've been updating my website a lot with everything that has been going on and trying my best to update here. i had a crazy fever last week and called dr.fischer's office about it and they put me back on oral antibiotics. my chest is looking good - well the right side...the left side is taking its time healing and i still have a scab on part of my nipple/areola. i've been using the antibiotic cream twice a day on it. my energy is definitely back up and my range of movement is coming back. i'm getting really impatient about the limited physical activity piece of recovery, but know it's for the best.

happy december.
peace.

my dad

2008-11-24T16:59:00.002-05:00

my dad was away all last week on business, so i didn't get a chance to talk to him about coming out to the extended family. today i finally got a chance to talk to him...

he gave me his opinion without screaming at me or degrading me and basically said think about what you're doing and who you're coming out to - if you love these people, come out to them, but know that not everyone is going to react positively. he said that it didn't really matter what he and my mom thought and that at the end of the day i need to do what i need to do.

we continued the conversation and he was saying that it is hard for him - he has good days and bad days and slips up on names and pronouns and that it's going to take some time. and he also commented that my mom is definitely having a hard time with everything.

it's amazing how much easier this conversation was with a rational human being...not that my mom isn't rational (well it seems this way to me at times...) but, i guess in many ways i feel way more respected as a human being by my father than by my mother. and in this way it's a lot easier to have conversations with him than it is my mother. i really appreciate his honestly and i suppose that my mother was honest too because she told me her opinion, but nothing is ever straight forward with her, she'll never just come out and say "look this is how i feel" - everything is smoke and mirrors with her. so i guess that's that.

i suppose i'll be sending some letters out soon - now if only i had the addresses...
if people are interested i'll post my letter in my blog.

peace

holy nipples batman!

2008-11-21T22:40:00.002-05:00

so the steri-strips, which i guess are really just fancy pieces of surgical tape, that were around my areola fell off in the shower last night - but only on the troubled left areola/nipple. and i freaked out, i almost fainted and had to sit down. man i don't really mind seeing gross stuff, but when that gross stuff is on YOUR body, it's weird...suddenly i become effected as i realize it's my body and not some stranger's from the tv. so i have holes around my areola, like where it should be CONNECTED to the rest of my chest. the one hole is small, but the other one i can fit the head of a q-tip in - i didn't actually try to do this, but was able to guess the size when i was putting on the antibiotic cream on.

so i took pictures and sent them to fischer, along with an e-mail and she called me back while i was at work today. she assured me that it actually looked better than it had before and that the holes would fill in and to continuing using the antibiotic cream. while i have faith in my surgeon, it's difficult not to freak out when i see holes in my chest. my biggest concern is that my areola and nipple are going to fall off and while i don't think that is going to happen, i'm still paranoid it will.

anyway. just my paranoid rant.

peace,
luke

National Transgender Day of Remembrance

2008-11-20T12:37:00.003-05:00

i feel a bit bad i'm not doing anything special today for national transgender day of remembrance, like going to a vigil or something. but i'm going to take some personal time this afternoon to meditate on what today means. i hope others are getting a chance to get out and be part of all of the activities taking place today.

i know HRC doesn't have the best rep. with trans folks, but they made a cool video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbflAsIdos4

here's another, longer video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s05LdQTUk6k

peace,
luke

moms, work and awesome surgeons

2008-11-17T22:04:00.002-05:00

tomorrow will be two weeks post-op for my top surgery. i'm going to take pictures sometime tomorrow and post them on my website. my right nipple and areola look great - a bit of swelling and bruising, but overall the right side looks awesome. my left side still looks gross. my nipple and areola are black, but i'm fairly confident that it's a scab. there's a bit more swelling and bruising on my left side than on the right - but overall there isn't much swelling or bruising. i massaged my scars where the drains were tonight for about 5 minutes each - i can already feel the scar tissue, so i want to make sure i take care of them so they heal properly.

i was worried and still am about my left nipple and areola so i was able to speak to dr. fischer today. first off how many people get to speak directly to their surgeon? she assured me that my nipple/areola would be okay and that it is most likely a scab and prescribed some silvadene cream that's used to treat infections. so i'll use the creme twice a day and it should help my nipple/areola. we were also talking about how we didn't get to see each other before i left because when i went to get my drains out she was in surgery - and i told her i wanted to thank her and that the surgery meant a lot to me and what she's doing means a lot to me and many other people. she said my words meant a lot her and she was happy to be what she's doing. she said she feels like it's her calling in life. dr. fischer also mentioned that she's going to court next week to help an FTM get his gender changed on his birth certificate. i thanked her again and she thanked me again. wow, just what a great, inspiring, and passionate person. she's my hero.

today was my first day back to work (i work in retail selling camping equipment). i was a bit worried about standing around for 8 hours, but it wasn't that bad, i was pretty tired and am tired. i told my one boss about my physical limitations and he was cool and my other co-worker was cool with doing some reaching for me today and cool with me sitting down for a bit. but, of course i wouldn't do anything i don't think i should physically do. so mondays are pretty uneventful days and i thought it would be the perfect day to come back. but around 3 pm the ceiling near the main entrance and stairway started leaking water and it leaked for about 30 minutes. and once it finally stopped leaking the paint on the ceiling started falling off. so i had to block off the main stairway and help clean stuff up...it definitely made for an eventful afternoon.

so my mother. ugh. i don't even know where to begin. so i've been wanting to come out to my extended family for quite some time now, but keep thinking there is a better time or get scared. but lately i've been thinking a lot about why i'm waiting and really there is no reason. and how it really sucks being in the closet and not being honest with myself and with those i love. so i told my mom that i wasn't asking her permission to come out, but asking her if she wanted to be a part of this, if she wanted to support me through it. i wrote a letter a few days ago and have been editing it since then and read it to my mom. she told me it was "too graphic" and that there was too much in the letter. i wanted to write a somewhat detailed letter because i know people will be confused about things and want to try to make sure that there isn't too much confusion.

and then she asked if i wanted to tell my grandmas and i said yes, but wanted to write separate, more simple letters for them. she told me that she didn't want me to tell her mom and that if i did tell her the news would kill her. she actually said that, she said that i would kill my grandma. i couldn't believe she said this to me and i told her that i couldn't believe she would say that to her own child. and she replied that she thought it was true.

she went on to say that my dad's family is really conservative and that they wouldn't understand. i told her that i wasn't expecting everyone to be accepting and/or understanding and that it was important for me to be honest with myself and with others. then she told me i'm trying to change people, to which i replied that i didn't think i was going to change anyone, but looking to challenge people, yes. she told me that they didn't want to be changed or challenged and that they didn't care what i had to say. i replied that challenging people was important to me and to human beings because if we're never challenged, we'll never change and we'll never progress if we never change.

she then told me that i'll never see most of these people again anyway, so why did i have to come out to them. i reiterated that it was important for me to be honest with myself and with others. she repeated herself - that i'll never see most of these again, so what's the point? i told her that she didn't know if i was going to see them again or not (what about a funeral - i gave my dad's mom as an example and she told me that she thought that i wouldn't go to her funeral anyway....wtf...) and then she kept repeating herself. i got so frustrated i asked her what she was scared of, what she was so scared of that she didn't want me to come out to people. she didn't say anything and i asked her again and asked her if she was scared of losing friends and family. she said yes and then i asked her if she would really want to be friends with someone who thought her child was "fucked up". she gave me a weary no.

my mom then went on some rant that i hadn't listened to anything i said and that if i was all about preaching tolerance, i wasn't being very tolerant. i reminded her that despite my yelling (i couldn't help but yell, i was pretty worked up, not necessarily angry yelling, i'd like to think of it as passionate yelling) i had listened to what she had to say and reminded her that i wasn't asking permission. i also told her that i was disappointed and discouraged about what she had to say to me. i knew this wasn't going to go over well, but really did not expect the horrid responses she gave me. i told her that she was my mother and i loved her and look up to her, but was really surprised by what she was telling her own child, that those words would come out of her mouth. honestly i am pretty appalled by what she said, i really just can't believe she would say some of that crap. she's a smart woman, but damn she said some ignorant, close-minded and pessimistic stuff. i'm not disappointed in our conversation, but more disappointed in her. i feel like sometimes we hold people to such high expectations and make them out to be people they aren't.

i'm sitting here on my couch topless. i must say it's pretty awesome, no shirt and all. enough for tonight.

peace,
luke

6 months

2008-11-13T18:45:00.002-05:00

i almost forgot that today is my 6 month anniversary since starting t - wow....where has the time gone? i don't think i made too much progress this past month, especially since i was off of t for about 2.5 weeks. the most noticeable changes are my facial and body hair growth (definite increase), my jawline (continuing to look more masculine) and my weight (i've put on about 15 pounds, mostly muscle, since september). so that's all i'm going to update here, i'll post a more detailed update on my website.

i updated my website a bit today - added some pictures of my chest, some trip photos, costs...i'm hoping to add more pictures tomorrow and some stuff about my experience. i'm feeling better today, more energized and a bit more like myself.

i saw my therapist today (she's awesome by the way) and i was talking about coming out to my grandma (this subject will be its own entry...quite a long one) and she brought up harvey milk, whom i've never heard of. she talked about one of the speeches he gave, where he inspired people to come out. so i searched him on youtube when i got home and watched this 1.5 hour video on him - he was an intriguing and inspiring man. the video i watched is a 10 part video entitled "the times of harvey milk" - definitely check it out.

peace,
luke

back, back, back

2008-11-12T17:33:00.002-05:00

arrived home yesterday around 5:30 pm. it was only about a 5 hour drive from new jersey, but i was just super tired and not that comfortable. not to mention being in the car since about 10 am (it was about a 2.5 hour drive from MD to NJ - liz drove). but i'm glad to be back in vermont and be around my friends.

i'm feeling super tired today. i took a long nap this afternoon, which didn't seem to help. i'm a bit worried about starting work on monday, that my body won't be ready for 8 hours of standing around - but i'm going to try to rest up as much as i can these next few days.

i took my first shower since the morning of surgery this morning. it definitely wasn't as great as i thought it was going to be, but it was nice to clean up. the nurse told me yesterday to take some of the dressing/padding off in the shower and it made me kind of nauseous because it just looked really gross, along with my left areola and nipple looking gross - so that wasn't fun. but my chest is looking good for the most part. my right side is great, really no bruising at all, the areola and nipple are already a natural pink color. the left side is a bit swollen and the areola and nipple are bruised and pretty indistinguishable at this point.

i got my drains out yesterday morning. shannon, one of dr.fisher's nurses, took them out for me - she's been a great help throughout this whole process. getting the drains out didn't hurt really, it just felt strange really, it's difficult to describe. the only thing that somewhat hurt, more like stung, was when she removed the sutures that were holding the drains in place.

overall, i'm not in much pain - like i've said before just tired and uncomfortable. my chest has been really tender the past few days and i feel really protective over it. i think if someone went to touch it, i'd want to punch them or something. it's just really tender/sensitive and want everything to heal okay.

oh yea, big props to liz, my good friend who took care of me the whole time in maryland.

nurse liz

hopefully i'll be feeling more energetic these next few days and update my website.

peace,
luke

quick update

2008-11-10T11:55:00.002-05:00

post-op day 6
i was hoping to be able to go home today, however i spoke to dr.fishcer's nurse this morning and she said i could get the drains removed tomorrow if everything is looking good. i can't wait to get the drains removed because they're just bugging me now and it feels like they're tugging on my skin all the time where the enter underneath my armpit. the left side of my chest definitely hurts more, but i'm really in not much pain, just mostly tired. so if all goes well i'll get the drains out tomorrow and be on my way back to vermont. thankfully i don't have to be back at work until next monday, so i have the rest of the week to relax. i'll update later this week.

peace,
luke

post-op day 4

2008-11-08T11:15:00.002-05:00

i think it's post-op day 4....my memory is a bit foggy because of the drugs. fortunately i haven't had to rely on the drugs - i'm still on antibiotics and i only take a pain reliever and sleep aid before bed (i've discovered that taking the two together makes me incredibly incredibly dizzy, delusional and fall asleep in record timing).

everything has been going well so far - i've been feeling well, no pain really, only discomfort and i've been pretty tired. i've been sleeping a lot and mainly sitting in front of the tv, which is getting boring (i'm not much of a tv person) and i'm looking forward to my recovery so i can increase my activity. the weather down here has been great, not too warm, not too cold. i went out the past two days and it felt great to get out and get some fresh air.

my drains (placed in the bottom part of my chest -in order to drain any fluid and help healing- exiting underneath my armpits - i'll post pictures later to better explain), both left and right, have been draining about 25 ccs of fluid a day the past two days, which means that i'll hopefully get the drains removed on monday. i'm planning on leaving on monday, however that's all dependent on if dr.fischer will remove my drains then. if not, i'll probably only have to stay an extra night. thankfully the compression vest isn't too tight and only covers half of my torso, but it is definitely getting annoying. it has been shifting on me and the elastic on the arm holes is somewhat cutting into my under arms - just mostly uncomfortable.

i also gave myself my t injection yesterday! i'm so happy i was finally able to do that - the nurse suggested waiting 72 hours. i'm hoping i'll be feeling better with more testosterone in my system now. i updated my website a bit yesterday and plan on doing a lot of updates when i get home, so make sure to check it out.

i think i'm going to try to shave and wash my hair today with the help of liz. i'm feeling a bit greasy and i think cleaning up will make me feel better.

peace,
luke

surgery is...tomorrow!

2008-11-03T14:52:00.003-05:00

one last blog before surgery...
finally arrived in timonium, maryland last night around 8:30 ish. i left vermont around 9 to pick up lizzy b. in new jersey (dirty jersey...the armpit of america...). after a twenty-minute detour and a missed bus, we met up around 3ish. we had to pick up liz's car and stop for coffee and gas, so i don't think we were on the road until sometime around 4. then there was a horrible accident on 95 south and it took us almost 2 hours to pass it....so i spent the WHOLE day in the car.

this morning i went to dr. fischer's office to get pictures taken and get fitted for my post-surgery vest. i was supposed to have my consultation this morning, but it got changed to tomorrow morning before surgery because dr.fischer is out of town today. the nurse also explained the drains and liz got a little green, but i'm sure i'll be fine draining them myself. got the prescription for pain relievers also, so everything today went smoothly and bonus that the nurse was a) super nice and b) cute as hell.

we found a wegmans (for those of you unfamiliar with wegmans, it is an awesome grocery store, they have their own brand, their food is amazing, their stores are huge and there is always lots of freshly cooked food)! totally the highlight of my day and we went grocery shopping because we have a kitchenette (large fridge, microwave and two burners). not much to say about timonium - lots of strip malls.

so tomorrow i'm going in at 7:30 am for my consultation and then surgery. i'll update later this week. don't forget to VOTE!

peace,
luke

the barber shop

2008-10-30T10:22:00.000-04:00

so i decided to clean myself up before surgery and get my hair cut at the barber's instead of doing it myself like i usually do. i don't think i do such a bad job, but i definitely look a lot more cleaned up when i go to the barber's. so the last time i was at a barber shop (last fall) the barber told me he couldn't cut my hair because i appeared female to him. i completely wasn't expected that reply and told him i simply wanted a hair cut, he kept refusing, so i left - hurt and angry. so that incident is the one of the main reasons i took to cutting my own hair and also that it's way cheaper to buy a pair of clippers than to go to the barber's once a month.

so i went tuesday and was super nervous. i was afraid that the barber would perceive me as female and get angry or confused or something as to why i was there - especially now because i've been on a low dose and no dose of t for the past month and my facial hair hasn't been growing as face and my voice is getting a bit higher. but it was totally cool. the shop was totally old school and the barber was nice. i was just so nervous i didn't know if i should talk and what i should have said. regardless, i got a sweet haircut for $14.

finally got all of my surgery paperwork squared away. i don't know what took so long, but my doctor's office here was having trouble faxing the paperwork to dr.fischer...and for some reason that took two weeks. but i just called and everything is all set - sweeeet. i'll definitely post an update before my surgery on tuesday.

peace,
luke

saturday morning update

2008-10-25T08:16:00.001-04:00

it's been quite a week for me. being off of t has proven to be difficult - i'm so damn moody. i don't know how women do it, or how i used to get by, but props to the ladies. i feel so much more stable and me when i'm on testosterone. luckily i'll be able to resume injections after surgery - i'm hoping the day of or day after.

a friend and i were talking earlier this about about how she was explaining my trans-identity to one of our friends from Africa. she was explaining to him that i changed my name and i think he had a hard time understanding that i would change my name. where he's from changing his name essentially would be disrespecting his mother, family and possibly his culture. i think she said she was trying to tell him to think about if he knew something about himself was completely off. for me this was an intriguing conversation because i went to school with many international students from many different cultures. this made me think about how a trans identity is perceived in different cultures and if it even exists in some. i would love to do some type of research project on how trans identities are perceived outside of the american perspective.

and lastly i told my dad about surgery. i was nervous to begin with because i knew he'd be skeptical.....so this is how it went:
me: i'm having reconstructive chest surgery
dad: huh?
me: i'm getting surgery on my chest to make it more masculine.
dad: why would you do that?
me: there's no need for sarcasm here.
dad: you don't need surgery, your chest is fine.
me: i want to feel comfortable in my body.
dad: it's going to hurt.
me: i know, it's worth it.
dad: how did you pay for this.
me: loans.
dad: you'll be poor, i want you to live comfortably. maybe you should rethink this.
me: everything is already paid for. i'm already poor.
dad: the risk of getting an infection is really high. you could die.

....i feel like he didn't even hear me. i guess what really hurt is when he asked why i would even get surgery. i know that somewhere my father accepts me, but understanding seems to be a whole other realm. of course i want people to accept me, but i also want them, even if it's just in the slightest way, to understand me and this part of my identity. things feel mighty lonely when you feel like no one understanding you. it also hurts because i really look up to my father, he's always been my hero, but here he was just kind of a dickhead. i know in some ways he's looking out for me and trying to be a parent. however, the way he went about it just did not feel loving in any way, shape or form. my mother and him seem to be changing places. i actually cried (just a tiny bit) after we spoke - first time since probably last spring - and it felt good to just get it out. it's weird to think i haven't cried in that long, but i definitely feel "man-enough" (ha) to cry once in a while.

peace,
luke

"if you were born a boy...."

2008-10-21T14:32:00.001-04:00

i had an interesting conversation with a friend last night and somehow we got to talking about my name and if my parents like my name. i think my parents like my name, but i did everything so quickly, they kind of had to jump aboard. so i called my mom this morning to talk to her about my name. she said she likes my name and she sounded honest, so i believe her. and then i asked her what her and my father were going to name me if i had been born male. she said they had a hard time remembering, but then remembered that they wanted to name me after my dad's father "Nicholas". just thought this was interesting....

peace,
luke

work and such

2008-10-18T18:58:00.000-04:00

today at work, one of my co-workers began asking me about the difference between the terms "cross dresser" and "transvestite" and then continued with "transgender" and "transsexual". i was a bit nervous where the conversation was going, but it seemed harmless and my co-worker seemed interested in understanding these terms. it was pretty cool to be able to tell her the differences between everything - kind of schooling someone about my community (but not having them know i'm even part of the community). i was worried she was going to say she found my website, i wouldn't be surprised if someone did, all you have to do is google my name....that is if you can spell my last name.

i've also been thinking about work at lot lately in terms of me constantly being in the public eye - whether that eye is my co-workers or customers in the store. honestly, for the most part i don't care what others think of me or how they perceive me - i'm a work in progress and going through a lot of changes right now. though sometimes being in the public eye so much can be a bit stressful - the looks some people give me are terrible. and to know that people are constantly judging you based on how you look isn't quite comforting. at least for me right now it's not. i know who i am inside, i know that person well, but i don't exactly see that person on the outside and am still waiting for him to shine through. i know as time passes and testosterone continues its effects, i will look more like how i feel.

lastly, i've been thinking about work in terms of me being stealth. i am fairly positive no one at work knows i'm trans. i could be wrong, i don't know. i suppose it's just strange hiding that part of myself right now when it seems to be the thing that is taking up so much of my time and energy. i can't say that i would feel completely comfortable disclosing my trans identity with my co-workers - unfortunately many of them seem quick to judge and criticize. although, it is difficult keeping everything hidden that may indicate i'm trans (e.g. what sports i played growing up...etc). i guess at this point in time i feel incredibly vulnerable and simply don't feel comfortable disclosing. maybe it would be a different story if i worked with different people...?

peace,
luke

new hampshire journey

2008-10-17T08:30:00.001-04:00

yesterday i had to venture over to the great state of new hampshire (state motto: live free or die) for a doctors appointment, in which i was getting clearance for surgery. one point of interest, immediately after i crossed the boarder there was a huge macain/palin poster...scary. anyway, i was a bit nervous about my appointment because i wasn't necessarily sure if the doctor was trans-friendly. i tried to get an appointment with a doctor who i knew was trans-friendly, but she didn't have any appointments. but the doctor was really awesome and amazingly attractive (i definitely drooled all over myself) - there's just something completely sexy about a woman in power. but the funny thing was when i told her that i was have top surgery, she goes "oh you're getting implants...", i just started laughing and said "hell no, i'm getting them chopped off"...so i guess i pass well. ha. i was at the medical center for like two, two and a half hours getting all of these tests done - EKG, chest x-ray, bloodwork. the EKG was fun too, i had no idea it was a topless kind of test. the woman goes "okay take off all of your shirts" and i just stand there and then i say "um you want me to take off everything?" and she's like "yea come on" and then i explained that i'm trans and still have a female chest and she was totally cool too. so major props to the staff at dartmouth-hitchcock medical center. so good news is i'm cleared for surgery. i sent out all of my paperwork yesterday and am pretty much ready to go.

peace,
luke

5 months and a bit of honesty

2008-10-13T22:03:00.000-04:00

today is my 5 month anniversary since starting testosterone! yay!
i've written up a full update on my website, so check it out. www.lucaskovacevich.com
i feel like this past month has gone by really fast. i know things are changing, slowly yet surely, but haven't noticed any huge changes this month.

this lower testosterone dose is going to be the end of me. i am really not enjoying this at all. i am completely moody and irritable and all of those gross teenager-going-through-puberty-feelings and it is taking every muscle in my body to work against those feelings. tomorrow i will have my last testosterone shot until after my surgery on november 4th (oh yea, i filled out an absentee ballot and voted last week - yesssssah). i have a feel these next few weeks are going to be tough, other than dealing with everyday stresses and the stress of upcoming surgery, but also dealing with wicked low testosterone levels will be difficult.

one last thing i've been meaning to comment on, but keep forgetting... as i have started testosterone and my body is beginning to change, i've definitely noticed a difference in the way i perceive myself - as my body is beginning to feel more male, i myself and feeling more male. however, i have noticed a HUGE increase in the the EXTREME dysphoria i feel towards my female anatomy. i feel lucky that i have having top surgery so soon - i know that top surgery of course won't fix everything, but in some ways will make me feel better and more comfortable in the body i was given. the way i feel towards my body is constantly on my mind and has been one of the sources of my depression.

i definitely accept myself as a trans-person, though am definitely having trouble accepting my body. i always think to myself...if i feel male (mind and soul), why was i given this female body. and i know there definitely isn't any simple answer and that the answer is different for everyone and probably an answer that comes with a lot of life experience. i just don't feel at home at all in this body and always think about if things were different. i try to forget about it and pretend to myself that it doesn't matter. but i just can't get it out of my head. i suppose some of it is the stereotypes society have forcefully ingrained in my brain and i guess maybe the other half has to do with me wanting to feel whole and comfortable in my own body.

peace,
luke

more dreams

2008-10-10T21:28:00.001-04:00

i've been having a lot of wacky, but relevant dreams lately.
the one from the beginning of the week was about my top surgery. i think i was with friends at the place where i was getting surgery. we were walking through the place and it was kind of old school. all i remember is that i was getting surgery.

then my dream from last night was definitely interesting. i was with my friend mary and we were at this huge concert- i think it was kinda of like rothbury- and we were in this room with tons of hippies. i was giving a speech or reading something i wrote to everyone in the room, i think it was somewhat serious. and then mary and i left, and for some reason we left sliding down a rope and as we were leaving i saw two women i went to high school with. i said hi to then and they looked at me funny and said they didn't know me. i said their names and started telling them things i knew about them. i asked them if i looked familiar. i think i woke up after that because i don't remember anything else. i think i was about to come out to them or at least thinking about it in my dream.

top surgery is coming up in 25 days. i'm definitely excited, but also nervous. i feel like someone can prepare and prepare and prepare themselves for something like this, but also in a sense never fully prepare themselves for a) a major surgery and b) a surgery that will greatly enhance the quality of someone's life. with that said, i've been busy trying to get stuff ready for surgery but i always feel like there is more to do. i'm also trying to relax as much as possible to keep my stress level down so i don't wear myself out. it's been difficult this week because i've had to lower my testosterone dose for surgery - i feel crabby already and it's only friday. another week on the low dose and then two weeks without t...i fear for those around me....ha, just joking, but i'm definitely not looking forward to it.

peace,
luke

can you spell that for me?

2008-10-02T23:13:00.000-04:00

just a quick post...
so i picked my last name because it was my family's original last name, way back when they were from serbia/croatia. i've always liked the original last name and even before i even considered my trans identity though about changing my last name. i'm in a way and in the process of discovering and learning about my roots.

i've been doing a lot of leg work for my upcoming top surgery lately, making a lot of phone calls, appointments, etc., which of course requires me to continually spell out my last name. as soon as i say my last name, i automatically get a "huh" response and then a "ummm, can you spell that for me please", and a "was that 'v' as in victor, or 'b' as in boy?". i guess recently i've been finding this somewhat amusing because i was incredibly happy (of course and still am) about changing my last name and now i'm finding out how much work a 10-letter last name is!

also a woman i was speaking to on the phone today (someone who i had to spell my last name for) told me after i spelled my name: "wow, you must have had trouble learning that as a kid!" i just wanted to laugh and say: "no actually, just got it, learning now....".
just some thoughts...

peace,
luke

last night's dream

2008-09-30T22:35:00.001-04:00

just real quick, already had a surgery nightmare...
this is the only part i remember of my dream: my parents were with me for my top surgery and we were waiting in some office or lobby. i suddenly realized that i missed my consultation and that my surgery might get canceled because of that. i got upset and started crying, but my mom calmed me down and assured me that everything would work out. that's all i remember.

i woke up this morning intrigued by this dream for several reasons, one being that my parents were with me during my surgery (that they would take such an active part in my transition), two that i cried (i don't remember the last time i cried, definitely has been a least half a year) and three that it was about my top surgery. i dunno, just something to think about.

peace,
luke

my new vermont state driver's license

2008-09-28T12:26:00.000-04:00

so, i decided to change everything over to vermont stuff - driver's license, plates, etc. because i just bought my friends car and it's honestly easier to change things here than driving an hour to new york and changing things there.
so last week i went to the mobile dmv (it's really not like a mobile home or anything, not like the ones they had in NY, more like the dmv workers are mobile...) to get my driver's license changed over. just had to fill out a few forms and show a few documents for proof of id, not really a big hassle. since my NY state driver's license had an F on it, i believe i am legally bound to fill this out on my paperwork, so i marked an F for sex. i wasn't too worried about it anyone because of my upcoming top surgery - i'll be able to get paperwork to change my gender afterwards. the woman didn't say anything about it and when she handed me my license, she told me to look everything over to make sure the information was correct. name, height, weight, address - everything was correct and then i look down to the sex marker....a big fat M.... i look at the woman...."yea, everything is good, thanks". sweeeeeeet- totally the best mistake that's ever happened. ever.
i actually spoke to someone the other day and he said that several other trans guys who were from out of state and changed to a VT license also had the same thing happen. i'm wondering if the dmv workers think that people keep screwing up on the sex part or if they actually know what's going on and are just trying to help us out....? the only thing i'm worried about is if, for some reason, this "mistake" shows up somewhere (because of the crack-downs on IDs) and they make me change it back. but i guess even this wouldn't be a big problem because soon i'll have my paperwork to change my gender marker.
just wanted to relay some tubular news....

peace,
luke

progress and surprises

2008-09-21T08:26:00.000-04:00

i've been mulling over how i'm going to tell my parents about my top surgery since i started to think about getting surgery and it seems like there's really no great way to tell them...other than to just be honest with them. and i've been trying my best to be open and honest with my parents about my transition because i know this is difficult and confusing for them.

so i called my mom yesterday morning on my way to work just to say hi. she was asking about me coming home for thanksgiving and i told her i was unsure if i could take time off because i had an "engagement" prior in the month that i would need to take time off for. she asked me what it was and i knew i couldn't lie to her, so i told her i was getting top surgery. i don't think she necessarily understands the specifics of top surgery, but definitely understood what i meant. and i was surprised because she didn't sound her usual disappointed as she normally does when i tell her something about my transition. she asked me how i was paying for it and i told her about my loans, which i don't think she's thrilled about because i already have out a lot of money in loans. she also asked me if i wanted my father and her to come and take care of me after the surgery - this surprised the hell out of me because my parents have never been an active part of my transition.

and then more surprises. she told me she read several chapters in a book i gave my parents when i came out to them ("Understanding Transsexualism for Parents, Friends...."). i didn't think she'd ever pick up that book. she continued to say that two things she read really helped her: (1) why would someone turn their life up-side-down for no reason, if someone is going through such a difficult process it must be significant.... and (2) if you change the cover of a book, it is still the same book on the inside. this really made my heart happy, hearing all of this from my mother. dealing with her through my transition has proved by far to be extremely difficult. i've been very patient with her and hearing this from her is kind of like a reward for my patience and a sign that the tables are turning and she is slowly beginning to understand and accept me.

peace,
luke

updates

2008-09-15T20:04:00.000-04:00

so i just hit my four-month mark for being on t!
notable changes this month:
-increased hair growth, specifically on my legs, stomach and face (no sign of a beard yet, only a crustache)
-my jawline has really squared out
-increased acne (face and shoulders)
-muscle growth (arms)

i think those are the most obvious changes this month, of course on top of all of the less notable changes that occur. check out my website for an in-depth analysis of this past month.

i also recently signed up for health care through my employer. i was pretty worried about what gender i'd put on the forms, but decided to put female because insurance fraud at 23 just sounds terrible. i thought the woman who handles the paperwork would say something to me, but she didn't. i suppose she either (a) didn't notice what gender i put, (b) didn't even look at the paperwork, (c) thought i messed up and fixed it for me.... or (d) was just really confused. whatever at least i'll have insurance as of october 1.

and big big big news.......
set my date for top surgery today! i decided to go with dr. beverly fischer (who works out of maryland) because i didn't see traveling to the west coast as an option and i've seen and heard nothing but good things about her work. so my consultation for surgery is monday, november 3rd at 1pm and then i will have surgery on tuesday, november 4th at 9am. the surgery is about 4 hours i believe and after the drugs wear off, i'll be hanging out in a hotel room for a week with my good pal lizzy b. i'm really excited about it, it's coming up really fast too. it's hard to believe for me that i'm actually to this point now. i guess it's similar for me when i started t, just kind of hard to believe that this is becoming a reality.
for those unfamiliar with top surgery, check out this link: www.ftmguide.org/chest.html

i'm going to try to update my website this week and i'll be making a new page to follow my progress through top surgery so make sure to check it out.

peeeeeaaacccee out,
luke

where are the dudes?

2008-09-04T20:23:00.000-04:00

just some thoughts as of recently, trying to update more frequently...
i have very few male friends and come to think of it, i don't think i have any here right in brattleboro. i was hanging out with a few friends the other night (all women) and for a bit i felt completely out of place. they were talking about makeup and something else and i was really couldn't relate at all. though, i didn't really relate that well to females before, especially really feminine ones.

it was kind of a bummer because it was just a reminder that i don't have any male friends here in VT. i guess what i've been looking for as of lately is just some guys to hang out with, as one can see i've been having a more difficult time relating to my female friends. i can't even say that i'd be able to relate to the guys better. i just have this desire to chill with some guys. maybe it has more to do with how the testosterone has been affecting me - i definitely feel like a teenager and have been acting more like one recently - goofing around a lot more than usual.

there are a few guys at work and i've been feeling somewhat more comfortable with them lately. sometimes i'm pretty tense because i'm terrified that someone is going to be like: "hey you're not a real guy", but i guess that really wouldn't be that bad, unless they were super transphobic. though, i was socialized female and am trying so so so so so hard to be social around the guys at work, but i'm definitely have a terribly difficult time. to me being myself is enough, though sometimes there seems to be this barrier that i just can't break and i never seem to get in on the action or conversations. but maybe part of it is that i'm just too damn tired and bored at work to care about much.

peace,
luke

almost september....?

2008-08-27T21:48:00.000-04:00

hey everyone - my apologies for not posting in a while, august has been busy. so updates.....

-everything with testosterone is going well. just had my appointment with my endocrinologist last thursday. he's a really nice guy, really down-to-earth, and interested in my experiences. we decided to up my weekly dosage to 75 MG (versus 50 MG) which I am happy about. i've been really tired lately and feel like a surge of hormones is raging in my body. we're hoping that increasing my testosterone will help even out my t-levels and eventually rid of this hormone storm.
-went home yesterday. parents were alright, got to do some sailing with my dad which was great. they're calling my lucas, but still using female pronouns, though i did my best to correct them. i played some of my voice recordings for my mom and she didn't really say anything. though, she was amazing at my muscle growth.
-as far as changes this month: my facial hair is definitely coming in, dark hairs above my upper lips and my peach fuzz is coming in thicker and more coarse on my face. my acne has definitely gotten worse and i'm thinking i may have to start using something a bit more serious than normal daily face wash.
-i decided that i'm definitely going with dr. beverly fischer for my top surgery. i put in my paperwork for loans and am waiting to hear back. along the same lines i've decided that i'm going to finish my work for my degree for the november deadline and get surgery in the beginning of november.

can't think of anything else right now, but will try to update at least once a week. check out the website: www.lucaskovacevich.com

peace,
luke

this and that

2008-08-11T20:28:00.000-04:00

i will have been on t for three months as of this wednesday. can't believe it's been that long already. some more changes i've noticed (on top of already mentioned changes):
-my face structure has definitely changed - more masculine looking jawline
-muscles - despite the fact that i haven't been very physically active lately, i'm gaining muscle
-facial hair - a little more showing up each day

i'm definitely perceived as male a lot more now, probably 80 to 90 percent of the time. it's definitely different being viewed as male by other males, of course since i was socialized female. the way males interact with me, when they view me as male, is completely different from how males interacted with me before. i'm s l o w l y learning what it means to interact with males, but of course at the same time be me.

what i've also found interesting is that now that i am mostly being perceived as male, i've realized that i have no past, or that my own history as male is short (i suppose this all has to do with how i am perceived publicly and not how i view myself). that is to say, some memories and experiences (as i have learned through attempting to tell stories from my past) from my past have at least something to do with my birth sex. and if i do not desire to come out to certain people i either have to exclude these memories or lie about certain points. i suppose this mostly relates to not revealing my trans identity. i cannot say for sure if i will or will not reveal my trans identity to certain people, but i see myself as an advocate, someone who is working for social change and social justice and of course would like to be open about my trans identity with my community in order to spread understanding and acceptance.

the website is almost ready! i'll post the link when i have everything up.

peace,
luke

top surgery

2008-07-26T23:31:00.000-04:00

just another brief note...

i've been doing a lot of research lately on top surgery...reconstructive chest surgery...getting a male chest (confused? check out this link to learn more: http://www.ftmguide.org/chest.html). i don't know how soon i will have it, but my chest gives me a lot of anxiety and i am hoping that i can have surgery within the next year. despite the fact that i will most likely have to take out more loans (i already have loans out for graduate school) i think the money is worth it and would rather spend the rest of my life paying off surgery loans than having a female chest. so i've been doing a lot of research lately, i've found a lot of dirt on doctors. i'm seriously looking into dr. beverly fischer in maryland - i've heard and seen a lot of good things about her. i just e-mailed her with some general questions, so we'll see what happens. just an update...

peace,
luke

sir and "passing"

2008-07-26T22:19:00.000-04:00

just wanted to write a bit about how i'm perceived in public.
the past few days i've been viewed about maybe 80 to 90 percent of the time as male, which is awesome. i definitely have anxiety about how i'm perceived, about someone calling me she/her/miss...and how other people would react to that, specifically my co-workers because they all perceive me as male. i actually got "sir'd" the other day for the first time and it made me smile. it just felt really good to be read the way i want to be read, the way i feel inside.

it was interesting also because i thought i heard someone call me miss or some feminine thing the other day (they were mumbling, so who knows what they actually said) and i immediately got upset. i was really surprised by my response because i almost used to confusing people and at times being read as female. it's amusing what being read as male most of the time can do to ones mentality and maybe a bit of testosterone.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the word "passing" - some use as a verb to refer to them being read as the sex they wish to be read as (for example, an ftm: he passed as male at work.) i think this is a somewhat controversial word though because some feel that it implies that the person is hiding something, for instance their birth gender. however, many trans people feel the gender they desire to be is their true gender and therefore are not hiding anything. i don't mean to generalize or put words in other peoples' mouths - i'm a bit tired and having trouble typing and thinking. so, i've been thinking about this a lot lately and definitely agree that passing is a term i don't really like anymore, well at least when referring to myself.

with that said....a friend was telling me how her sister's babysitter (whom i had met briefly a few weeks ago while we were visiting the friend's sister) was inquiring about me and used masculine pronouns. she made some comment that her sister was excited that the babysitter thought i was a guy or something like that, something about passing (the sister knows i'm trans, the babysitter does not). and all i was thinking in my head was "yea i am a guy...". it's difficult responding to comments like those because i am early in my transition and of course don't get perceived as male all of the time and don't expect to. though, i suppose it also has something to do with how i perceive myself and despite my biology, i see myself as male.

peace,
luke

name change update

2008-07-24T13:37:00.001-04:00

i don't think i ever gave an update on my name change. but i think as most of you know, it was legally changed in june (i believe). after it was legally changed, i had to change every other place and what a task that has been. so far i have changed my name on:
-driver's license
-social security card
-bank accounts
-undergrad and graduate schools
-health insurance
-doctors office
-student loans
-AAA
-car insurance
-prescriptions on rite aid
i'm sure i'm forgetting some....

the last two places i have to change my name are:
-on my passport (waiting for the money)
-my birth certificate (still trying to figure this one out)

it certainly is a lot of work changing your name, but well worth it - definitely a learning experience. if anyone needs any help with this process let me know! more updates to come, i'm slowly working on my website and hopefully it'll be up by this weekend.

peace,
luke

hair!

2008-07-18T09:17:00.000-04:00

so one of the most noticeable changes since being on T, other than my voice, has been all of the hair growth. more hair on my legs - darker and coarser on my calves and new hair growth on my thighs (didn't have much/any hair on my thighs before). the hair on my arms is actually getting longer and i'm getting hair on my biceps/triceps, which i didn't really have before. seeing a bit of hair on my back - well where i can see it (on my shoulders). my sideburns are coming in coarse and the hair above my upper lip is coming in dark - i have to shave every third or fourth day. last night i found more hair! surprise, surprise. my happy trail seems to be getting happier and i found a trail to the right of it, kind of following the natural contour of my body that is coming in dark, but not as dark as my happy trail. it just amazes me how fast hair grows - i just feel like i find new hairs everyday. more hair updates...next week probably.

peace,
luke

work

2008-07-16T17:09:00.000-04:00

just a quick update about work. everything has been going fine, selling camping equipment and other cool stuff so nothing really to complain about. but the cool thing is that i have been passing with my co-workers. i think my low voice, 2 months on t and masculine name definitely help, i am thankful. i was pretty anxious about starting, but everyone seems to be pretty low key. i get referred to as he/him, what more could i ask for?

peace,
luke

....

2008-07-12T09:37:00.000-04:00

so i desperately need a job and have been waiting around quite a while after apply to several full-time teaching/admin jobs. i decided to go into town the other day and see if the sporting goods store was hiring. they were, so i filled out an application. after handing in the application, the manager asked me if i had a minute and he took me to his office for a very informal interview. he just basically asked me if i could work all the time and i said yes because i am broke and need to support myself. i wasn't sure how he perceived me, although i wanted to say that by his strong handshake he perceived me as male. i wasn't sure though.

so i went back yesterday to fill out some documents and i was certain that he perceived me as male - which is awesome and of course what i want - the strong handshake again, he made a comment about me wearing a tie and i feel treated me male (whatever that means). i was super excited about this because i don't think i pass 100% of the time, although my deepening voice is helping. and then right before i went to bed last night i realized that i had given him my driver's license for a tax form and that it says i am "female" on my license (can't change this yet unfortunately). so now i'm wondering if he saw this and if he's just really cool about me presenting as male or if he didn't notice it, or maybe he doesn't perceive me as male at all. who knows. i essentially would like to be judged on my personality and not my appearance or perceived gender, but i do want to be perceived as male. so we shall see how work goes next week, i start on monday.

peaceee,
luke

8 weeks

2008-07-09T14:56:00.000-04:00

time for an 8 week update! here is what i've noticed:
-gaining muscle in my arms
-new hair everyday, darker and coarser (legs, arms, stomach, back...everywhere...)
-my voice has really dropped the past week and a half
-facial hair is growing in faster and feels more coarse
-increasing libido
-i think my facial structure is beginning to change
-sweating more
-a bit of acne on my face and back
-slightly less patient

just got back from michigan last night. had a great time with maria. the rothbury festival was awesome- lots of good music, nice people, ecologically-minded, camping, laughing.....pictures to come.

peace,
luke

almost seven weeks

2008-06-29T22:31:00.000-04:00

went to the graduation party yesterday. not so bad. i knew it wasn't going to be bad. i think my mom just likes to make a bigger deal out of things than they really are. nothing crazy happened like she probably thought. i didn't even speak that much to my mom because she was so busy getting her drink on. i spoke to her a bit this morning, but didn't really feel like shooting the shit with her, so we didn't talk much, which is fine with me. less talk = less momma drama (at least right now). there were a few awkward situations, like me pausing for a minute when someone asked me my name and then someone asked is lucas is a guy's name and if i was brothers with that boy over there. but all in all, it was fine. got to see my good buddy and that made my heart happy.

this tuesday will be seven weeks on t! several new changes i've noticed in the past two weeks: MORE hair, pretty much everywhere, but mostly on my legs. my voice made quite the drop this weekend right before the party (perfect timing). and in terms of my mentality i definitely feel like a teenager going through puberty (again) - mood swings, wanting to be alone, feeling awkward. i'm definitely not enjoying this teenage mentality part of being on t and hope it's just passing through.

going on vacation this next week to MI for the Rothbury music festival - super excited, tons of great groups playing and doing some camping along the way. i'm going to get my website started up after i get back, stay tuned for details.

peaceeeeee,
luke

and again...

2008-06-26T11:03:00.000-04:00

i called home yesterday just to say hi. my mother immediately asked me why i called - i could tell she was upset about something, who asks their child why they called? i told her i just wanted to say hi and for some reason she thought that was strange. we exchanged a few words and then she got down to what was clearly bothering her. she was upset that i came out to our family friends via e-mail and said that i should have done it by phone. i told her that i felt it was best that i did it through e-mail. she asked me who told me to do it that way and where i sent it from, and i asked her why that matted and she didn't answer. she kept saying that i should have called and told them and that if aunt so and so died that i wouldn't have e-mailed them to tell them. i told her that was different and she said no it's not. at this point in time the conversation was getting heated and i was getting really fed up with her bullshit. unfortunately i let her get the best of me and began yelling. she kept saying that the phone was more appropriate and i said that i would tell everyone from now on on the phone as she wanted me to because she knew what was best (note the sarcasm). then she said that she can never be right in my eyes and that she's always wrong. and i told her that this was exactly what it was about and didn't want to continue the conversation. i asked to speak with my father and she kept asking me why and wouldn't let me talk to him and kept trying to continue the conversation.

my mother is driving me up a wall. i am so glad that i decided to go to the party on saturday instead of a day early because this means one less day with her, but unfortunately one less day with my friends. i'm really not worried about anyone else at the party, except my mother. maybe her seeing other people being comfortable with me will be good for her. i really don't know what to do anymore, how to approach her, how to make her see that what i am doing (pretty much everything i am doing) is for the best and even how to effectively communicate with her. ugh.

peace,
luke

this guy needs a head check

2008-06-25T10:26:00.000-04:00

a friend sent me this article yesterday regarding northampton's trans pride parade. get ready to be angry: http://worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=67813

...in other news sent an e-mail out to those family friends who are going to be at the graduation party this weekend. i received a response from them yesterday and they were awesome - they said they were happy for me and that i have their support. so that's some sweat off my forehead.

peace,
luke

my mother

2008-06-19T10:29:00.001-04:00

it seems to me that my mother is having a terrible time coming to terms with my trans identity. we've been talking a lot recently because of this party i'm supposed to go to next weekend, seeing our family friends there and coming out to them. obviously my mother is uncomfortable with me being trans and this fact being out in the open to our friends.

so we spoke the other day on the phone about the party and she said she spoke to my father and my friend's mother (who's hosting the party) about everything. i don't think my dad said much, but she said she told my friend's mother that she didn't want it to be uncomfortable for other people and didn't want me being the center of attention. of course i don't know exactly what was said, but i think she mostly agreed with my mother - though my friend's mother was the one who brought this all up, being concerned that it would me uncomfortable for me (half of the party knowing me as "nicole" and the other half knowing me as "lucas").

when my mother and i spoke she was pretty short with me and she said that she didn't want anyone talking about it. i asked her to clarify and she said that she didn't want me being the center of attention. i reminded her that this is not what i was aiming for or wanted or was attempting to do, but if someone brought it up i would not ignore it. she again made a comment about me being the center of attention and i reminded her that it the party is a graduation party and not my party and that it would be exactly that. she sternly said that if anyone asked her about my trans identity she wasn't going to say anything. i told her i didn't expect her to say anything, nor should she have to.

hearing this from my mother is difficult. i know this is really hard for her and that of course this is going to take some time for her. though i feel like she's putting up so much resistance, trying so hard to deny this reality. it's hard for me because my parents have always been there for me, have always supported me and now i'm finding that this in some ways is not the case. i want to be able to share all of these little victories i've had with them, but i can't. i want to say, 'hey this happened today and it was really neat', but honestly they don't want to hear it, nor care about it. i also understand that this will all take some time for my parents, especially my mother and that i just need to have a lot of patience right now. on the other hand, this resistance i see my mother putting up is not a good sign to me.

i am home right now for a few days, finishing up some paperwork for my name change, and my mom has been so passive aggressive about everything. no matter what is bothering her, she'll say she's fine. she never talks about what's bothering her or what's on her mind, but i know that something is bothering her. she like to sweep everything under the carpet and pretend that everything is fine. i don't understand this, well i do in the fact that she's in complete denial and of course this communication style makes sense to her. though, how can we make progress, how can she come to terms with this, come to understand and eventually accept this if all she wants to do is pretend everything is okay, ignore everything when she is obviously deeply bothered by it? so this is my mom and where things are at with her right now.

peaceeee,

lucas

poem

2008-06-15T23:29:00.000-04:00

once a young woman asked me,
"how does it feel to be a man?"
and i replied,
"my dear, i am not so sure."
then she said,
"well, aren't you a man?"
and this time i replied,
"i view gender as a beautiful
animal that people often take for
a walk on a leash and might enter
in some odd contest to try to win
strange prizes."
my dear, a better question for Hafiz
would have been,
"how does it feel to be a heart?"
for all i know is love
and i find my heart
infinite and everywhere
-Hafiz (sufi mystic, 1320 - 1389)

life

2008-06-14T12:28:00.001-04:00

i was at a friend's house this weekend and around several people who didn't know i'm trans. i was introduced as lucas, but not sure how i passed (didn't get any funny looks or anything...). sometimes i wonder if people actually think i'm a biological male, but just look feminine. i guess it was just an interesting experience because i haven't been around a lot of people lately that don't know i'm trans.

going home next week to hand in the final round of paper work for my name change and change my other ids - ss card, driver's license, bank. changing my name on the other ids looks fairly painless and i'll finally have an id that has my REAL name on it...it's always awkward introducing yourself as one thing and then handing someone an id with another name on it and then having them give you a funny look.

talked to my sister thursday for the first time in a long time. i think she was lonely, otherwise we don't really talk. i think sometimes she just calls me because she's lonely and not necessarily because she misses me and wants to talk to me. she's moving to georgia with her boyfriend the end of the summer and sounded excited about that - had a lot to say. i briefly mentioned my name change and starting hormones and she didn't say anything, just changed the subject. i'm not surprised though with the way she's been handling everything that's been going on with myself. seems like she's handling the situation similarly to my mother, which part of me doesn't understand because she's such an open, understanding and accepting person. there's only so much i can do though and this is a process for her just as it is for myself. i can't force her to do anything - in the end she'll do what she wants to do and follow the path she wants to take.

trying to get my new website underway soon. looking forward to my next injection on tuesday.

peace,
luke

censorship

2008-06-10T17:12:00.000-04:00

so my name change is getting published in the syracuse post standard TOMORROW!...which means it's legal....TOMORROW. now all i have to do is change my name on everything else and i am set.

i'm supposed to go to a graduation party the end of june and some family friends are going to be there who i am not out to. my friend and her mother - the people who are throwing the party - suggested that i come out the the family friends who are going to be there. i hadn't even thought of that and didn't know they were going to be there. they were/are concerned about me being comfortable there - how amazing are they? so i thought it would be considerate of me to talk to my mother about this, since she seems to be the most uncomfortable with "the gender thing"(as she likes to refer to my trans identity as). i told my mother i couldn't go to the party without coming out to our friends and that if it made her that uncomfortable that i wouldn't go to the party (however would still come out to them). she wondered if this was the right time and if it would make everyone else uncomfortable and that she would have to "think about it". i began to wonder why i had even called her in the first place because i plan on coming out to them, i guess i just wanted to give her a heads up, but she took it more like me looking for approval. she told me this was difficult for her, asked if i was sure if "it is really a gender thing"
and asked if i'm still seeing my therapist (who i think she blames in the back of her head for me continuing with my transition). i replied that it's difficult for me to continually censor myself in front of family friends, that i couldn't do it anymore and that i am coming out to our friends regardless. i didn't even bother to reply to the "is it really a gender thing" question...i don't even want to know what "it" is referring to. i told her to talk to my friend's mom about this because things are better left said than being swept under the carpet. my mom lives in stealth mode and never likes to tell anyone what's going on, not even her own sister. so i fear that she won't even talk to my friend's mom. i'm hoping to send these family friends an e-mail sooner than later so they can know what's going on with me and have time to think about things before, hopefully, i go to the party.

oh yea, today is my one-month T anniversary - yay.

peace,
lucas

finally!

2008-06-06T11:33:00.000-04:00

just received word from the court this morning - the court approved my name change! i still have to post something in the newspaper and change my name with ALL of my other ids, but i'm on my way. i'm super excited. i'm on my way out so i will post more later.

PEACE

almost a month

2008-06-05T23:38:00.001-04:00

i came home for a few days to see my grandma, who is visiting from pittsburgh. it's difficult to be home because there is so much censoring of my identity. my mom definitely did not want me to say anything to my grandma. i don't even know how she'd react, i'm not so sure she'd even understand. she asked me why my hair is so short and then if all the girls cut their hair short. i told her i cut it short because i like it that way. she didn't say anything else. i think i overheard my mom using male pronouns, maybe a few times, which is amazing and calling me a boy. my brother even called me his brother. progress, slowly but hopefully surely.

it's almost been a month since i've been on T, this coming tuesday will be a month (well how many weeks in a month, 4 or 5?). regardless, i will have been on T for 4 weeks this coming tuesday. so other changes i've noticed, other than the ones i've mentioned before:
-i think i'm gaining more muscle in my arms
-looks like my legs are getting hairier or the hair is getting darker
-my energy continues to increase, along with my libido
-my voice sounds different off and on
-mary claims that my ears look more "manly"
-my facial hair is growing in faster and feels more coarse

still no word on the name change, although i did only send my documents in a week ago. if i get denied again on the basis of "traditional female and male" names and evading my true identity, i'm going to find a lawyer. so we shall see.

i'm in the process of creating my own website, so i can go into further detail about my transition (pictures, voice clips, more information, resources...), stay tuned for the address.

peace,
lucas

civil liberties...

2008-05-30T22:31:00.000-04:00

finally sent out some documents to the court about my name change. my therapist was nice enough to write a letter, my doctor wrote one (i think), but i couldn't wait any longer for it because i have a limited amount of time to respond. here's the letter i wrote:

To Whom It May Concern:

I received a letter dated the 16th of May stating that the court was unable to conclude that the purpose of my name change is not fraudulent, deceitful or being done to evade or confuse my true identity. I would like to report to the court that I am transgendered; I was born female, but I am now identifying as male. I see this name change as an essential part of making my transition from female to male. Since I feel and have always felt male, I do not see this name change in way to be fraudulent, deceitful or being done to evade or confuse my true identity. I am currently seeing a therapist (Joyce A. Sullivan, MA, LADAC) to make my transition as smooth as possible, and a physician for hormone treatment (John H. Turco, MD). I have included a letter from my therapist to further support my name change application. If you need any more information or have questions, please do not hesitate to contact me: (my phone number).

_______

so i sent that out this morning, should be in syracuse by tomorrow, which is before the 20 day deadline. i'm not sure what will happen, but i am hoping that this is what they're looking for and i can continue forward with this process. i think if i get another denial letter, i am going to look into getting a lawyer.

moving out this weekend and eventually into my new apartment. it'll be good to have my own place, i'm definitely feeling the need for privacy. i think having privacy will be good as i continue my transition. going home next week - not necessarily looking forward to that, but i'll get to see my grandma. my mom thought i'd already have facial hair in a month, like a beard, and was worried about me visiting with my grandma. i laughed and told her to take a look at the resources i had given her.

peace,

luke

thanks

2008-05-26T19:14:00.001-04:00

dudes-

just wanted to say thanks to all of you who have been helping me the past few days with trying to figure out what to do about my name change. your help and support is much appreciated. i am going to make some calls tomorrow to my endocrinologist and my therapist and see if they can write something up for me. updates to come.

peace,

lucas

balls...

2008-05-23T19:13:00.000-04:00

i've been on T for 10 days so far - here are some changes i've noticed:

-more energy (not sure if it's from adrenaline from being so excited about starting)

-urine smells different

-voice sounded different very briefly one day

-i feel "different", don't really know how, but it's positive

-increased sex drive (!)

*name change update*

i received a letter in the mail today from the judge:

i am in receipt of and have reviewed your application to change your name. according to new york state law, you have a right to assume any name that you choose so long as you are not doing so for fraudulent or deceitful purposes, to evade responsibility, to avoid an obligation, or to interfere with the rights of others.

upon reviewing your application, it is apparent that you are trying to change your name from a traditionally female name ("nicole") to a traditionally male name ("lucas"). the application before me provides no reason for the change and thus, i am unable to conclude that your purpose is not fraudulent, deceitful or being done to evade or confuse your true identity. it is your burden of proof to convince me otherwise.

if you wish to submit any additional information to me in support of your application, please do so within the next twenty (20) days or your application shall be deemed denied.

_______

i am angry. this is a clear case of discrimination and a conservation judge. i've been scrambling around this afternoon, e-mailing, calling, trying to figure out what to do. if i wish to send something "in support of my application" i need to do so by this tuesday. anyone have any ideas?

peace,

luke

updates...

2008-05-20T00:03:00.000-04:00

it's felt like a century between this tuesday and last tuesday. i'll be giving myself my second injection of testosterone tomorrow - really looking forward it. i'm going to try to record it visually on my computer and post it on the blog.

i told my parents yesterday about me starting t. i was worried at first because i really only said anything to my mom a while back about seeing an endocrinologist. my dad was cool with it, didn't say much - just asked how i was paying for it (insurance!) and what changes would happen. my mom didn't sound too pleased, she's definitely having a rough time. she asked a lot of questions about what would happen once on t. she was concerned that i'd look completely different in 2 weeks when i'm supposed to see my grandma. but then she said something cool: "is this something you're happy about?" of course i replied yes and i think she was a little relieved. though she ended the conversation with "are you sure you know what you're doing...?" she's taking baby steps, but i know she'll come around. i'm really glad i told them because it was hanging over my head. i didn't want to be on t for a while and then let me know (after changes have really occurred). i want to be open about this process with them.

today i gave a "trans 101" presentation for my colleagues here at SIT. i sent out an e-mail asking if people were interested and a lot of people replied. i decided it was important to do it because there is so much unknown about the trans community by "outsiders". the overall goals of my presentation was for the participants to gain awareness on the trans community and have resources available to them (i made a hand out). i think about 45 people showed up - i was so surprised - i really didn't expect that many people. i covered a little bit of everything- terms, nurture vs. nature, transitioning, complexities, etiquette and how to be an ally. everyone seemed to be really responsive and enthusiastic about learning. i hope everyone was able to take away something.

peace,

luke

happy birThday to me!

2008-05-14T09:24:00.000-04:00

yesterday went so smoothly- more so than i ever expected. the staff at the hospital were amazing, really kind and definitely didn't fit the stereotype of someone who works in the medical system these days (cranky, impatient...). so keep this short and sweet, i received my first shot of T yesterday! actually the nurse showed me how to do it and i gave myself my first shot and will now be doing my own injections once a week on tuesdays....testosterone tuesdays. it's hard to believe that this actually happened - i've been reading about it for so long, this process was merely words on a page, but now it's my reality. as matt kailey (author of "just add hormones) wrote in so many words: "trans people transition to LIVE." i am only now at 23 beginning my real life. i am beaming with energy, with smiles, with life.

i will write more later about my day yesterday, maybe add some pictures.

for now, peace,

lucas